


Best of Me

by easyluckyfree45



Category: To All the Boys I've Loved Before Series - Jenny Han, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (2018)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Fluff, Jealousy, Sexual Tension
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-04
Updated: 2020-07-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:55:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 29,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23017378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/easyluckyfree45/pseuds/easyluckyfree45
Summary: “I’ve never really kissed anyone before. Well, I guess we technically kissed in seventh grade but that doesn’t really count. I mean, like actually kiss, you know? And, I’ve read about how to do it but I think I need to practice. I mean, I don’t want to mess it up when it really counts.” The words tumbled out of her mouth and when she was finished, she pressed her lips together, her cheeks flushed.He nodded slowly. “So, you’re asking me to teach you how to kiss?” He leaned back against the chair and smiled. “Like you help me with my homework and I give you kissing lessons?”AU High School. John never moved. Kitty never sent out the letters.
Relationships: Peter Kavinsky & Lara Jean Song-Covey, Peter Kavinsky/Lara Jean Song-Covey
Comments: 58
Kudos: 362





	1. The Proposition

**Author's Note:**

> I'M BACK. I couldn't stay away from this ship. This story is inspired by covinsky warrior's prompt: “It’s simple. You help me with my homework and I’ll give you kissing lessons.”
> 
> So, you can probably guess what's going to happen. I'm trying to keep this one a little more light-hearted but idk how successful I'll be as I loveeeee the angst.

Take my hands now  
You are the cause of my euphoria

\- “Euphoria” by BTS

Chapter 1: The Proposition

Lara Jean stared at Mrs. Duvall in shock, shaking her head. “Peter Kavinsky? Really?”

Mrs. Duvall barely looked up from her computer, happily typing away at the keyboard. “Yes, you’ll be tutoring him in both English Literature and Writing. He’s a nice boy. I’m sure you’ll get along just fine.”

She didn’t think Ms. Duvall quite understood just how awkward this was going to be. When she signed up to be a tutor at the beginning of junior year at Margot’s insistence, she thought it would mostly be helping underclassmen editing essays. Not tutoring Peter Kavinsky in two subjects! She opened her mouth to object and then closed it again. 

_It will look so good on your college applications._ Margot’s voice echoed in Lara Jean’s head. She looked down at the floor and sighed, resigning herself to her inevitable fate. Junior year was already off to such a good start.

-*-*-*-

She tried not to show her disappointment and dread as she approached Lucas in the cafeteria. He took a big bite of his sandwich as she sat down. She spread herself out over the table.

“Today is the worst day.”

“And may I ask the reason for the dramatics?”

“I’m going to be tutoring Peter Kavinsky.”

Lucas put his sandwich down and smirked. “You mean that tall drink of water?”

“Who even says that anymore?” 

“Maybe it won’t be that bad.” Lucas leaned in and whispered loudly. “I heard he and Gen broke up.”

She sputtered and shook her head. “Why would I care about that? I am not interested in him like that.” She crossed her hands across her skirt primly, “Besides, you know how I feel about John Ambrose.”

Lucas rolled his eyes. “That’s a girl crush, Lara Jean. Peter Kavinsky, well,” he said, rubbing his hands together, “He is just a tasty delight.”

She frowned at him. “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that. Besides, weren’t you in love with John Ambrose yourself in eighth grade?”

He waved off her statement dismissively, “A boy crush.”

“Uh huh.”

“So, when are you starting?”

She sighed, “Today apparently. I told Mrs. Duvall to tell him to come to my house after practice.”

“You do realize that you’ll need to communicate with him directly at some point.”

Lara Jean looked away, her cheeks flushed. “I know! And, I will. Just not yet.”

“Does your dad know that you’re having a guy over?”

“It’s not like that!” She hissed at him. “Besides, he already agreed before that I could do tutoring sessions at home.”

“I don’t think your dad realized that you would be tutoring sex on legs.”

She glared at Lucas and stood up from the lunch table. “You are the worst and I don’t even know why I tell you things.”

Lucas just laughed at her and waved as she shuffled off.

-*-*-*-

Peter wasn’t exactly thrilled that Coach made him sign up for tutoring. He never did like to admit that he needed help. But, when it was between getting benched for 5 games due to his grades or sucking it up and getting a tutor, he chose the latter. It was the lesser of two evils and honestly, he didn’t need that much help. The main reason why his grades were so bad was just that he didn’t ever feel like trying with his assignments. Most days, he was exhausted from practice or games that when he got home, the absolute last thing he wanted to do was study and read. 

He was surprised when Mrs. Duvall let him know that Lara Jean Song-Covey was going to be his new tutor. They were good friends in middle school. He, Gen, Chris, Trevor, John, and Lara Jean all used to hang out. He remembered their adventures in the treehouse fondly. Every day when they got out of school, he, John and Trevor used to race each other to see who could run there the fastest. Trevor usually won.

When they got to high school though, they all broke off into their separate friend groups. Trevor joined track, he did lacrosse, Gen did cheerleading, John did Model UN, Lara Jean focused on academics, and Chris kind of did her own thing. It was sad that their group was breaking up but at the same time, it was all part of growing up. It was foolish to think that they would be friends forever. 

Peter slung his backpack over his shoulder, pausing at the Covey’s front porch. This felt so familiar yet so foreign at the same time. He rapped his knuckles against the door and after a few moments of waiting, the door swung open.

His first thought was that she was just as pretty as he remembered her being. 

“Hi.”

“Hi.”

They stared at each other for a few moments before Lara Jean moved aside, gesturing for him to enter. “Come on in. I’ve got us set up in the kitchen.”

“It smells great in here.” The house was pretty much as he remembered it. There was always something oddly comforting about the Covey house. It just felt cozy.

“I made some cookies.” She played with the hem of her shirt. “Think of it as motivation to study.”

He wasn’t going to complain about fresh out of the oven cookies. He went to grab for one when she slapped his hand out of the way. 

“Hey! I thought you said it was motivation.”

“You’ll be motivated to get the answer right because you’re not getting any until you do that.” She took a cookie off the plate and took a bite, poking her tongue out.

He looked at her in disbelief. That wily minx. He refused to let her see how much it bothered him, however, and pulled his books out of his backpack. 

“Where do you want to start?” He asked.

“Let’s start with Macbeth.”

“Ughhh,” he groaned audibly and rolled his eyes. “Shakespeare is so boring. I honestly don’t know why he’s so famous.”

“How dare you, you uncouth boor!”

“I literally didn’t understand any of the words you just said.”

She narrowed her eyes and stabbed at the book. “More reason why you need to read this.” She flipped the book open and gave him a look.

He flipped his open too, sighing. And, so it began.

It was an hour later when Lara Jean finally allowed Peter to have a cookie. She was impressed with how quickly Peter picked up the concepts. He actually was quite smart. All he really needed was a giant shove in the right direction. 

He pointed at a passage in Act One, chewing on a cookie. Once Lara Jean allowed him to have one, he couldn’t stop himself from eating almost half the plate. 

“Okay, Covey, explain this to me.” She ignored the butterflies in her stomach when he called her by her last name. He was really the only person that called her that and she found that she liked that. It felt special. He stabbed at the book. “Why is Macbeth even listening to these witches?”

“Well, they’re teasing him, dangling the possibility of being king in front of him.”

“But isn’t he some like baller military dude and noble? Why does he care?”

Lara Jean nodded. “True but this is Shakespeare’s way at commenting how men love power and once they have a little bit of it, they can’t help but thirst for more.”

“Interesting.” Peter was thoughtful for a moment. “So, I think for this answer, I’m going to write that the real issue here is Macbeth’s ego. He’s letting his pride come before rational thought and this is how he unravels.”

“That’s great, Peter! I think you’re totally right.” Lara Jean smiled at him and he couldn’t help but smile back. She was so genuinely happy in this moment and he made her feel that way.

He proceeded to type his answer to the essay prompt on his laptop. 

-*-*-*-*-

A few days later, Chris and Lucas were sitting on her porch, sipping sweet tea. They were playing Monopoly Go. Lucas was definitely winning so far though Chris did make it difficult by attempting to collect every set possible. 

“Chris, what are you even doing? That’s not how you play!” He complained as she stole one of his cards.

She cackled and placed another card down. “You’re only saying that because I’m winning.”

Lara Jean looked at her dubiously. “I really don’t think you’re winning.”

Lucas threw his cards down and gave up. “Alright, I’m not playing with you anymore.”

“Aww, don’t be a spoil sport,” she teased. She poked Lara Jean in the side. “Besides, we have more interesting matters to attend to.”

Lara Jean watched her warily. “What are you talking about?”

“Lucas was telling me that you have a new student.” She waggled her eyebrows. “Not that I would ever be interested in my cousin’s leftovers but even I have to admit that the king of the cafeteria crowd is easy on the eyes.”

Lara Jean flushed and stared at Lucas accusingly. “What did you say to her?”

“Nothing at all! I just told her that you were going to be tutoring Kavinsky and this might be a good chance to let your hair down a little.”

“We’re just studying,” Lara Jean said firmly. 

Lucas was not convinced. “I’ve seen the way he looks at you, Lara Jean. It might not hurt to fool around a little. Let yourself have a little fun.”

She pursed her lips together.

“You know, Lucas has a point. You could use a little fun.” Chris agreed.

“I’m fun!” Lara Jean complained, her voice going several octaves higher.

Chris and Lucas gave each other a look. Lucas nudged Lara Jean gently. “We’re just saying – might as well take advantage of your current situation, right?”

Lara Jean chose to ignore them and carefully directed the conversation elsewhere. Later that night, Lara Jean was brushing Kitty’s hair when she asked her. 

“Do you think I’m fun?”

Kitty looked at her, confused. “Define fun.”

“Like I’m easygoing and spontaneous, right?”

“Is that a joke?” Kitty asked. “You literally plan out your entire week’s outfits on Sundays, like shoes, hair and everything. That’s not exactly easygoing and spontaneous.”

“That’s just good life skills!” Lara Jean bit her lip. “I’m not as bad as Margot though, right?”

When Kitty didn’t answer her, Lara Jean stopped brushing and admitted, “Lucas and Chris told me that I should learn to have a little fun.”

“I think that’s a great idea. You need some more fun in your life.”

“Why is everyone ganging up on me today?”

“We’re just telling you the truth because we love you. Lara Jean, you’re 16! This is supposed to be the craziest years of your life. Embrace it.”

Lara Jean looked at her sister and messed up her hair purposefully. Kitty squealed and moved away, giggling. “When did you get so smart, kitty cat?”

“I’ve always been this smart.” She said haughtily and then sauntered out of Lara Jean’s room. 

Lara Jean moved to her bed and flopped back against the covers. Maybe Chris, Lucas, and Kitty were right. 

-*-*-*-*-

Lara Jean and Peter were studying at her kitchen island again. Her dad was working late and Kitty was over at Brielle’s house so she and Peter were alone. He had come straight to her house after practice and he still smelled like grass and fresh air. She looked at him closely as he focused on reading, letting herself sneak a few glances. He really was handsome. His hair was wild, out of control, which was definitely a reflection of his personality. His eyes were brown with golden specks. And he had such long, beautiful eyelashes. Her gaze moved to his lips and suddenly, she imagined herself kissing him, his hands roughly grazing the small of her back.

Her breath hitched in her throat. He was diligently reading the next few passages when she placed her hand over the pages, interrupting him. He looked up at her, confused, staring straight at her. 

“I need your help with something.”

He cocked his head to the side, still trying to figure her out. “Yeah, Covey, anything.”

“Really?” She asked intently. “Anything?” She paused for a moment before deciding to move forward full speed. “I need you to teach me how to kiss.”

Well, that was not what he expected her to say. He blinked a few times, unable to formulate a response, before finally saying. “What?”

“I’ve never really kissed anyone before. Well, I guess we technically kissed in seventh grade but that doesn’t really count. I mean, like actually kiss, you know? And, I’ve read about how to do it but I think I need to practice. I mean, I don’t want to mess it up when it really counts.” The words tumbled out of her mouth and when she was finished, she pressed her lips together, her cheeks flushed.

He nodded slowly. “So, you’re asking me to teach you how to kiss?” He leaned back against the chair and smiled. “Like you help me with my homework and I give you kissing lessons?”

Her eyes got wide as she nodded eagerly. “Exactly!” She looked down at her lap, trying to avoid eye contact.

“You’ve got yourself a deal, Covey.”

Her head snapped up and she smiled at him. “Thank you!” She threw herself into his arms and he hugged her back, surprised at the sudden contact. She felt so warm against him. He liked the way that she seemed to fit just right in his arms. 

She pulled back and said firmly, “Okay, so we should probably draft a contract.”

“Excuse me?” 

“A contract,” she repeated, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “So, we both know where we stand with this.”

He let out a sigh. “Wow, you really know how to suck the fun out of this.”

She slapped him gently against his chest. “I am being fun!”

“Writing contracts is not fun.”

Lara Jean pouted for a moment, thinking about it. “No, this is non-negotiable.”

Peter rolled his eyes and nodded. “Alright, what do you have in mind?”

-*-*-*-*-


	2. The Rules

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You are all amazing! Thanks for the support and kind words. Enjoy :)

You shine brighter than anyone  
You got me

\- “Mikrokosmos” by BTS

Chapter 2: The Rules

_Peter and Lara Jean’s Contract_

_Peter and Lara Jean will practice kissing, in private._

_Lara Jean will tutor Peter in English Lit and Writing at least three days a week._

_Peter and Lara Jean will act normal at school._

_Peter and Lara Jean will be honest with each other. No lies._

_Under no circumstances will Peter or Lara Jean tell anyone the truth._

Lara Jean quickly scribbled down the five rules, reciting them out loud as she wrote. She looked up at him after she finished the last sentence. “Anything else?”

He had already asked her to put in the honesty clause. The last thing he wanted was for this get weird. He liked being friends with her again. “I’m going to let you take the wheel on this one.”

She marked two x’s and drew out two lines, signing one. She turned the notebook over to him. “Sign.”

He signed it without reading. “So, why haven’t you kissed anyone, Covey?”

“I guess I never really thought about it as a priority,” she said with a shrug. “Plus no one’s ever liked me like that.”

“Lies.” Peter said matter-of-factly. “I know that those are lies because I know for a fact Carlos Myers asked you to Spring Formal last year and you said no.”

She huffed and retorted. “Are you keeping tabs on me?”

“Come on, Covey, talk to me.”

Lara Jean debated how honest she wanted to be. She did just sign a contract saying that they wouldn’t lie to each other. She sighed and said softly, “I love love. I love reading and writing about it but it all stays up here.” She pointed at her head. “I’ve never experienced the real thing and I don’t know. It’s all a little-“ she paused, not really knowing how to go on.

“Scary?” Peter asked. 

“Yeah,” she agreed. 

He inched closer to her and cupped her face, saying quietly, “You don’t need to be scared, Covey.” And then his lips were on hers. She squeaked in surprise and tensed up, not knowing how to respond. He was insistent against her mouth, coaxing her to relax. After a few moments, she softened into it. His lips were so gentle against hers and this just seemed so easy when she stopped overanalyzing it. His tongue grazed her lips and she opened her mouth, letting him in. He tasted like peppermint. He ran his hand through her hair, brushing it away from her face. And she leaned into the touch. They stayed like that for several moments until he finally pulled back slowly. 

“That was lesson one.”

Her eyes were glazed over and she blinked a few times, finally returning to reality. “Wow,” she said quietly. “I didn’t know it could feel like that.”

He smiled at her, “I’ll take that as a compliment.”

She bit her lip and he stared at her, watching her mouth, half tempted to kiss her again. Lara Jean seemed renewed with energy and pulled his attention back to their next English assignment. The small smile stayed on her face for the rest of the day.

-*-*-*-*-

The next day at school, Lara Jean and Chris were walking to their lockers when Peter suddenly appeared behind her, touching her lightly in the small of her back to get her attention. 

Chris raised an eyebrow at this gesture. He immediately retracted his hand and said loudly, distracting her, “Covey, guess what?”

She looked up at him. “What’s up?”

He flashed his report in front of her, waving it around spastically. “I got a B+ on the Macbeth essay!”

Lara Jean exclaimed, clapping her hands together and launched herself into him, giving him a big hug. “Congratulations! Well deserved and the first of many, I’m sure.”

“I gotta run to practice but just wanted share the good news.” Peter gave her one last smile before running off.

When he bounded off, Chris turned around to face Lara Jean. “Is something happening there that you’re not telling me?”

Lara Jean was the picture of innocence, her eyes wide. “No, what do you mean?” 

Chris watched her silently for a few moments before shrugging. “Alright, if you say it’s nothing…” She trailed off.

“Want to go get milkshakes?” Lara Jean suggested.

Chris immediately smiled and threw her arm around Lara Jean. “This is why we’re best friends.”

-*-*-*-

Chris dipped some French fries into her strawberry shake, enjoying the blend of sweet and savory. Lara Jean scrunched up her nose as she took a sip of her cherry coke. “Is that good?”

“It’s delish.” Chris took a fry, dipped it into her milkshake and handed it to Lara Jean. “Live a little.”

Lara Jean popped it in her mouth. Her eyes widened in surprise. “You know that’s not bad actually. Kind of reminds me of salted caramel.”

“Yes, exactly!”

They talked a bit more about how much they loved salted caramel, amongst other sweets, and Lara Jean suddenly had the urgent desire to try a new cupcake flavor. She was busy googling recipes that she could mix together when John Ambrose approached them.

“Hi LJ,” he smiled and nodded at Chris. “How’s it going?”

Chris and Lara Jean both greeted him. Lara Jean smiled back, suddenly wishing she hadn’t worn her hair down today. Was it a mess? God, why didn’t she check earlier? Did she have anything in her teeth? She clamped her mouth shut just in case.

“I just came by to ask if you were still going to do scholastic bowl this year. I’m team captain this year.”

Chris shook her head at him. “You’re doing Model UN and scholastic bowl? Isn’t that a lot of extracurriculars?”

He shrugged. “I need to make my college application stand out. UNC is competitive.” He turned back to Lara Jean. “So, what do you think?”

She swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded weakly. “I think so?”

He smiled brightly at her. “Well, let me know if there’s anything I can do to convince you. Our first practice is next Tuesday. I hope to see you there.” 

Chris and Lara Jean both stared after him as he walked out. Chris turned toward her. “I think that was an open invitation to jump him. Anything he can do to convince you, ehh?”

Lara Jean rolled her eyes. “Chris, you know John Ambrose isn’t like that.”

“Yeah, that’s a good point. He’s probably too proper for that, isn’t he?”

“Why are you saying that like it’s a bad thing?”

Chris made a face at her. “Lara Jean, you already play it safe all the time. You don’t need a guy that’s just going to do more of the same. That literally sounds like the most boring relationship. Probably boring sex too.”

Lara Jean’s eyes widened and she slapped Chris across her forearm. “Can we not talk about this in public?”

“Point proven.”

-*-*-*-*-

When Lara Jean got back to her house, she immediately gathered the ingredients for salted caramel cupcakes. She decided to do a chocolate base topped with a salted caramel buttercream. She was just taking the cupcakes out of the oven for them to cool and whipping the buttercream when she heard the knock on the door. She rushed to the door, not bothered that her hair was probably a mess and that she had flour all over her face. 

Peter looked at her in amusement. “What are you supposed to be, the Pillsbury doughboy?”

She narrowed her eyes, glaring at him. “No, I’m making cupcakes,” she said shortly. 

“Hmm,” he let himself in when she moved out of the way. “It smells good. What flavor?”

“Chocolate and salted caramel.”

His eyes lit up as he heard the description and he immediately went for the unfrosted cupcake, disappointed as Lara Jean shooed him away.

“They’re not ready yet! They have to cool and I still need to frost them.”

“Covey, those look ready to go as-is.” He was inches away from it. So close.

“Patience is a virtue.” She pushed him towards the chair, forcing him to sit down. She started fanning the cupcakes and motioned for him to get his books out. “You want to work on Macbeth or the poetry section in your writing class?”

“Anything but the poetry,” he moaned. Begrudgingly, he admitted. “You know, I’m actually starting to like Macbeth. I mean, half of it still doesn’t make sense to me but I’m kinda into it. It’s basically like a thriller.”

Lara Jean nodded and flipped to Act 2. “Wait until you see what happens next.”

They took turns reading the passages aloud, pausing every so often for Lara Jean to translate the Shakespeare speak for Peter. She was pleasantly surprised at how he remembered little things that she mentioned in their previous sessions. She had mentioned off hand about how it was necessary for Shakespeare to still insert the role of a jester into his dramas because he needed to keep the crowd happy and entertained. When they got to scene 3, Peter pointed out how the Porter fulfilled this role.

“You know, I bet this would be good live.” 

Lara Jean nodded. “Oh totally! I’d love to see this performed live although apparently, a lot of stage actors think that there’s a curse around Macbeth. Creepy things happen on set and bad luck befalls the actors and actresses that are involved.”

“Really? So, like there’s some sort of voodoo around it?”

“Maybe it’s the witches.” Her eyes gleamed mischievously. She jumped off her chair and started frosting the cupcakes, handing the first one that she finished over to Peter.

He took it without hesitation and bit into it. His eyes closed in delight. “Oh my god, Covey. This might be your best one yet.”

“Really?” She asked, pleased. She licked a bit of frosting off first and then tried a bit of the cake, satisfied with herself. She didn’t notice the way that he stared at her lips intently. “Hmm, I think I need to add more caramel to the frosting.” She looked over at him and he had already inhaled one cupcake, starting on the second. “What do you think?”

“I literally just ate that first one whole.”

“You’re not a very good critic,” she commented but secretly pleased that he seemed to enjoy her baking so much. 

He smiled at her, grabbing a third cupcake. “I like everything you make.”

She flushed and couldn’t help but feel butterflies in her stomach. She leaned up and kissed him on the lips, slightly hesitant. He tasted like caramel and Lara Jean found herself lightly pressing her hand up against his chest as he kissed her deeper. They stood like that for a while, kissing in her kitchen, completely entranced with each other. He moved his hands to her waist, pulling her even closer. He made a slight moan of disappointment when she finally pulled back after several minutes. 

“I think I’m getting better at this.”

He kissed her lightly on the nose. “You were never bad, Covey. But, let’s definitely keep practicing.”

She smiled and cocked her head to the side. “Are you enjoying being a tutor?”

“When it’s you, yes.” 

-*-*-*-*-

Lara Jean realized very quickly that she probably made a mistake when she decided to join the scholastic bowl practice. She wasn’t fast enough with the buzzer and when she decided to switch tactics and just buzz in, she found herself flustered, not able to think of the right answer. John Ambrose still smiled kindly at her, switching her out with another player after 3 rounds.

He motioned for the other team members to continue practicing and went to sit next to her. 

“You alright, Lara Jean?”

“I’m terrible at this,” she said honestly. 

“You’re not terrible. It just takes a while to get used to the format. I’m sure you’ll pick up on it in no time.”

She looked down, not quite able to meet his gaze. He was so nice to her. Why did he have to be so nice? “How long did it take you?”

“Probably a few practices,” he admitted. “It’s really about being the first to buzz in that’s the biggest skill.”

“Are you going to make me study sports facts?”

John laughed out loud and shook his head. “I think you should stick to your comfort zone and just continue to master the literature and history questions.”

“Oh thank god,” she said, relieved. “I’m really bad at sports, both doing it and the history of it.”

John Ambrose beamed at her and she felt her stomach do a flip. His attention went back to the practice and Lara Jean just stared at him when he wasn’t looking, thinking about how cute he was.

-*-*-*-*-


	3. The Crush

Let’s walk without fear, you and I  
I’m your light

\- “Lights” by BTS

Chapter 3: The Crush

Peter and Lara Jean sat on her porch, sipping homemade lemonade. Peter was rereading the E.E. Cummings poem that Lara Jean had instructed he read for inspiration for the fifth time. She was editing his essay, red pen in hand. He snuck a glance at her and loved how focused she was. Her brow was furrowed as her eyes dashed across the page, her lips pursed tightly. She let the red pen rest on her lips for a moment before making her edits. He knew he was staring at this point and should probably stop. But, her lips had him entranced and now that he knew what she tasted like, he just wanted more.

He cleared his throat, trying his best to chase away those thoughts. She looked up at him and he felt his stomach do a flip. Her eyes were soft and she had the faintest hint of a smile on her face. The sun was bright against the sky, bringing out the hints of brown in her hair. Her skin almost seemed to glimmer. She was so beautiful in this moment and yet again, he had to stop himself from reaching out to her and pulling her into a kiss.

“So, this guy doesn’t know how to use punctuation at all.”

“That’s not really the point. Did you read the actual text? Did those words not speak to you?” She asked, unable to control the passion and desire in her voice. “He talks about how his love is with him at all times. His love is the center of his universe.” 

He noticed how wistful she sounded. She was always a romantic at heart. “Okay, but I still don’t really get it. Why all the repetition?”

She snatched the book from his hands and recited out loud, her voice clear, “I carry your heart with me.” Her voice got quieter, “I carry it in my heart.” She went back to her normal voice. “I am never without it.” And quieter again, “Anywhere I go you go, my dear. And whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling.” 

She looked at him intently, her eyes staring so deeply into his. “It’s like an internal dialogue and the parentheses includes how he really feels, that honesty and strong desire with him that he’s so scared to reveal to the outside world.” She leaned back against the chair. “It’s so poignant.”

He looked thoughtful for a moment. “So, you’re saying that I should just be honest?”

She nodded and he was quiet for several moments before finally admitting. “I don’t know if I’ve ever felt that way.” He pointed at the book. “I don’t know if I’ve ever really felt love like that.”

“What about –“ she stopped herself, not wanting to pry. “I’m sorry. I probably shouldn’t –“

He interrupted her. “You mean Gen.” His face was a mask of serious thought. “I don’t know if I would call what I felt for her love. She had been a part of my life for so long and when you’re together so young, do you really know what love is?”

She had never heard him speak like this and just remained quiet, patiently listening and waiting for him to gather his thoughts.

“I don’t know if I would call it love.” He finally said. “I cared about her deeply. I think she loved me and it felt so nice to be wanted and desired like that. I kind of just went with it.”

“That makes sense. Why don’t you write about it?”

“You want me to write a love poem about my ex-girlfriend?”

She laughed and shook her head. “No, not a love poem. Just a poem. And it doesn’t have to be to her,” she emphasized. “It’s just a poem about your feelings.”

He was so still and silent for a while that Lara Jean became self-conscious. Did she say too much? It really wasn’t her place to butt into his and Gen’s relationship and it was clearly something so private that he didn’t like to share. She was just about to open her mouth to apologize when he spoke.

“I like that idea.”

It was such a simple phrase but nevertheless, it made her smile widely.

-*-*-*-*-

Lara Jean was in the kitchen making dinner. Daddy had to work late tonight, having two back-to-back deliveries so it was just her, Peter, and Kitty. After they finished studying, she told him she was making lasagna, or at least attempting to, and he invited himself to dinner.

He and Kitty were currently bickering at the TV, playing Mario Kart. They had foolishly decided to play Rainbow Road. Kitty had been playing this for years, pretty much as soon as she could figure out how to use the controller and she was currently kicking Peter’s butt. 

When his car veered off the road for the millionth time, he threw the controller down on the floor and started tickling her.

“Sabotage!” He war-cried.

Kitty giggled profusely, kicking and pushing him away. “You’re such a sore loser, Kavinsky! How pathetic is it that a 11-year-old is beating you at a video game?”

This only caused him to tickle her more and finally she raised her hands up in defeat. “Okay, okay, stop! We’ll go back to an easier level.”

Lara Jean watched them in amusement, cutting up the garlic bread. 

“Peter, please don’t kill my sister. I know she can be irritating.”

“Hey!” Kitty exclaimed from the couch. “Aren’t you supposed to be on my side?”

“I’m just telling the truth,” Lara Jean cooed back. She served the lasagna onto separate plates with a little salad and some garlic bread before moving towards the dining room table. “Let’s eat!”

Kitty and Peter both clambered over and Lara Jean watched in amusement as they both inhaled their food. They were so similar in so many ways. Ever since Lara Jean had started tutoring Peter, Kitty had taken an immediate liking to him. Lara Jean actually thought it was quite sweet how much Peter doted on Kitty, always willing to play games with her and hang out. That was never part of the contract but he did it so willingly and happily. This was a different side of Peter that he rarely revealed to people at school. 

Lara Jean slowed both of them down, complaining about how they were going to finish the meal in 30 seconds when it took her over an hour to make everything. “Can you guys at least pretend to savor it a little bit?”

“It’s good,” Kitty said with her mouth full of food.

Lara Jean narrowed her eyes. Kitty could be such a heathen sometimes. The younger Covey sister at least had the decency to look embarrassed and immediately snapped her mouth shut. 

“Thanks for making this, Covey,” Peter said, helping himself to a second portion of lasagna. “This is really good.”

Her heart fluttered at this statement and she knew she was blushing. Kitty watched them carefully, giving Lara Jean a knowing look. Lara Jean cleared her throat and took a big gulp of her lemonade, hoping it would hide her face.

-*-*-*-*-

Lara Jean and Lucas were sitting at the communal lunch table when Chris approached with her Subway sandwich and drink.

“That’s contraband.” Lara Jean pointed out. She handed one of her baby carrots to Lucas who popped it in his mouth.

“You have to rebel more, LJ.” Chris winked at her and took a bite of her sandwich.

For a moment, she thought about telling them that a few weeks ago, she proposed the idea of kissing lessons to Peter Kavinsky and now they spend multiple days a week, making out after their tutoring sessions. They did make a promise not to tell anyone. So, she stayed silent. 

“I rebel enough,” she finally said primly. 

“How’s tutoring been going?” Lucas asked, distracting them both.

“Really well! Peter got a B+ the other day on his essay.” She sounded so proud.

Chris nodded, impressed. “I’m shocked that you managed to get through to him. I’ve always pegged him as just a jock.”

“Well, our LJ’s quite the charmer and clearly a miracle worker,” Lucas teased, bumping her shoulder against his. 

“He’s really smart,” she protested. 

Chris raised an eyebrow, clearly not believing a word she was saying. Lucas looked over at Peter and noticed that he was sneaking glances at Lara Jean every once in a while. 

He thought about pointing it out but instead, asked her, “So, has he managed to charm you?”

“What do you mean?” She looked startled by the question, clearly flustered. 

“I’m just saying that you guys are spending a lot of quality time together and I mean, the boy looks like that.” He let out a low whistle. “You know what I mean. Are you catching feelings?”

She shook her head. “For the last time, no, I am not interested in Peter Kavinsky.” She said it so adamantly but a part of her faltered. That was not necessarily true anymore. No, she told herself, it was still true. She liked John still. It had always been John. She definitely did not have any feelings for Peter Kavinsky. She refused to be another one of those girls that became obsessed with him. She most definitely still liked John.

Chris snorted and turned to Lucas, changing the conversation, chatting about the new season of Queer Eye. Lara Jean was grateful for the diversion. She was half-listening and half-watching the cafeteria around her. Peter was on one side with his lacrosse friends. Every so often, one of them would laugh loudly, drawing the attention of others. John was nowhere to be found. She figured he was probably in the library, multitasking, eating and studying at the same time. 

Suddenly, she stood up and shoved her carrots back into her lunch bag. “I’m going to go to the library.” She was going to prove this to herself. She already had a crush on someone. There was no room for anyone else.

Chris and Lucas both looked at her, confused. “Okay.”

“I’ll see you guys later.” She moved quickly, exiting the cafeteria.

She never saw Peter watching her carefully, a worried expression on his face.

-*-*-*-*-

John Ambrose was, in fact, in the library studying. He was eating his sandwich, being careful not to make a mess on the table and reading an Economic History book. Lara Jean approached him quietly and sat down across from him. He looked up and instantly, he smiled widely at her.

“Hi,” he said softly.

She smiled back. “What are you reading?”

“Just wanted to brush up on some US economic history. There were quite a few questions at State last year about it so wanted to be prepared.” He put down his sandwich and took a sip of his water. “Are you studying too?”

“Yes,” she lied. She took one of the books from his pile and opened it. “Two brains memorizing this stuff is better than one, right?”

He shook the surprise off his face. “Thank you, LJ. I’m glad you’re taking this so seriously.”

She snuck glances up at him over the edge of her book as they read in silence. A few months ago, she would never have had the nerve to approach John Ambrose, alone, and suggest that they do something together, in private. It was so easy for her today, however. She walked right up to him and sat down like it was nothing at all. 

What did that mean?

She looked at the edges of his face, his beautiful tanned skin, and his deep brown eyes. He really was very handsome. She stared at the book in her hands but couldn’t read the words. 

-*-*-*-*-

Lara Jean and Peter were sitting on the couch in her living room watching Lady Macbeth. They had been doing this new thing where after they finished studying, they would put on a movie. Lara Jean had selected the first one last week. Sixteen Candles, obviously. A classic. She had been horrified that Peter had never watched it. Then, they watched Fight Club – his choice, clearly. She had liked it more than she wanted to admit though it was a bit violent. And, then she picked Sense and Sensibility. Peter had complained about how the period film was so boring and that there had to be at least one interesting period film out there. And, that was how they found themselves in their current predicament.

Within the first fifteen minutes, Lara Jean already regretted it. When Peter first told her about it, she foolishly thought it was going to be a reinterpretation of the original Macbeth but focusing on Lady Macbeth. She was shocked that he would pick it as it definitely seemed more like her type of movie. Clearly, she was wrong and this movie was in its own ballpark. Lara Jean squirmed in her seat as she watched two of the main characters very intimately have sex. 

Was it weird that she was getting turned on next to Peter? Was he turned on? Were they turned on at the same time while watching this? God, this was such a bad idea.

She clutched the pillow with a death grip, her knuckles turning white. She prayed that he couldn’t sense her uncomfortable state and just prayed that he was staring at the screen and not at her. She hid her face behind the pillow, just wishing that the sex scene would pass. Why did Peter suggest this movie? Did he know there was going to be this much sex?

She made a mental note to never watch another movie that he suggested again. She watched him carefully, noticing that his hand seemed to tense up a bit. Besides that, he seemed completely unaffected, his face a neutral mask. 

She buried herself further into the couch, her leg accidentally bumping up against his. He looked up at her and she could see that his eyes had gotten so much darker with a tinge of something that she didn’t quite recognize. He paused the movie and all of a sudden, his hands were all over her and she vaguely wondered if she should’ve put a clause in their contract to limit the amount of touching. 

But, it felt so good. He gently ran his hand up and down her sides and her skin tingled from his touch. And, then his lips were on hers and he kissed her hard. Was this what passion felt like? God, she couldn’t think clearly. He pulled her on top of him and suddenly, she was straddling him. This was definitely not in the contract but she couldn’t stop herself from continuing to kiss him. He wrapped his arms around her waist, holding her tightly. She could feel his grip on her sides. She had never felt so desired. She pulled back for a brief moment, watching his eyes darken even further, his lips swollen. He was so sexy. 

He captured her lips again and she moaned into him. 

“God, what are you doing to me, Covey?” His voice was husky, as if it was difficult to speak.

She lost track of time completely, just focused on his lips, his racing heartbeat, and his touch. All rational thought seemed to have fled her mind. Vaguely, she heard the door jingling and she immediately hopped off his lap, putting a healthy distance between their bodies. She paused to catch her breath and wrapped her arms around the pillow, as if using it to protect herself. Peter resumed the movie. Lara Jean watched him out of the corner of her eye. He was very good at pretending nothing had happened at all. 

Well, they had never done that before. That seemed much more than just a quick lesson. Lara Jean had never felt that innate, raw desire for anyone like that before. Not for Kenny from camp, not Josh Sanderson, and not even John Ambrose. That feeling where all she wanted to do was drown in his kisses and touch. It was so primal. She touched her lips. They were so sensitive from their rough kissing. But, she liked it. She had never lost control like that before.

Logic seemed to finally enter her brain as the daze faded away. Did she really just straddle Peter Kavinsky in her living room and make out with him? That was definitely not something that Lara Jean Song-Covey would typically do. He just brought it out of her.

What was Peter doing to her?

-*-*-*-*-

After her dad got home, things went back to normal between Lara Jean and Peter. They finished the movie and they said their goodbyes, neither mentioning what had happened. He leaned down and gave her a quick, gentle kiss on the lips and then went off to his car.

It was when she closed the door to her room that she realized that they had never done that before – kiss goodbye. 

She was so confused.

-*-*-*-*-


	4. The Realization

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your incredible feedback! You are all so kind and I really appreciate all the support. Hope you enjoy this next installment.

I know you hesitate  
Eventually they all come back to scars  
You gave me the best of me  
So you’ll give you the best of you  
\- “Magic Shop” by BTS

Chapter 4: The Realization

The next day, classes went as expected. Chris and Lucas argued over who was the best member of the Fab Five during lunch. Chris thought it was JVN and Lucas insisted it was either Tan or Karamo. Lara Jean always preferred Antoni but kept her opinions to herself, her thoughts elsewhere. She kept replaying the flashbacks of when she and Peter were kissing on the couch: the way his hands were rough against her legs and sides, the way his voice was gruff, deeper than she had ever heard it, the way that their hearts raced. She had thought hers would burst through her chest. 

She snapped herself out of her trance as the lunch bell rang. They all shuffled off to their next classes. Peter sat in front of her in Chemistry and she couldn’t help but stare at the curve of his neck and his broad shoulders. His dark brown hair was a mess today, like it was every day, poking out in every which way. She wanted to reach over and mess with it, running her hands through his hair. 

She was surprised when he turned around, slipping her a note, putting in on her desk and giving her a wily smile before turning back to face the teacher. She snatched it off her desk. He had written her name on it with a little heart, probably as a joke. She opened it. 

_I have a surprise for you._

She looked at the words and debated how she wanted to respond. There were only 15 minutes left in class so she decided she would confront him afterwards. The minutes ticked by so slowly and she half wondered if the clock was broken. When the bell rang, she got up and put a hand lightly on his shoulder, her fingers tingling from the sensation of touching him. She couldn’t ignore the shiver that went down her spine.

“What’s this surprise?”

“You’ll just have to wait until after school. I’ll tell you during our session this afternoon.” He said coyly.

“You’re a tease, you know that?”

“You love it, Covey,” he said, smiling. He winked at her and then ran out to his next class. 

Yes, she did. She thought. She really did.

-*-*-*-*-

John was busy training the new recruits while Lara Jean sat in the opposite corner, running through flashcards with a few other players. There was a new girl, Dipti. She had transferred to their school last year and had just recently joined scholastic bowl. Lara Jean didn’t have any classes with her but had heard that she was nice enough, friendly, smart, clever. Lara Jean noticed the way that John would flush every time Dipti asked him a question, fidgeting. It almost seemed like he was nervous.

It was a weird feeling, realizing that the boy that she had a crush on for much of her recent memory, was developing a crush on someone else. She knew that she probably should’ve been bothered by it but she could only feel a mild annoyance. It wasn’t as gut wrenching as she had expected. The sky was still blue. The birds still chirped. The world continued to turn.

This wasn’t what happened in any of the books she read. Wasn’t she supposed to feel blind jealous rage? She didn’t. 

It was sweet really. She had never seen John so affected by someone before. He usually kept his cool and was so level-headed. This was the first time that she had ever seen him stumble over his words. 

Later, when she and Peter were driving to her house in his Jeep, she stayed silent, lost in her thoughts. 

“You okay, Covey?” He finally asked, peering at her from the corner of his eye, trying to keep his attention focused on the road. 

“Yeah,” she said honestly. She was quiet for a few more moments before it finally burst from her lips. “I think John Ambrose has a crush on the new girl, Dipti.”

“Oh,” his lips formed a round O and he cleared his throat. “You okay?” 

She snapped her head up at this, confused. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

“I know you liked him, Lara Jean.”

She opened her mouth to protest, her cheeks getting red. “Was it that obvious?” 

“I guess if you were paying attention.” He shrugged. “You lived in that football jersey for a month and it just happened to be McClaren’s favorite team.”

“That was middle school and years ago.”

He was staring at the road ahead now, refusing to look at her. “And how do you feel now?”

“I don’t know,” she answered honestly. “I feel like I’ve liked him for so long now that I don’t really remember what it feels like to not like him.”

Peter was silent. 

Lara Jean looked out the window, uncomfortable. “I don’t know if I ever really had real feelings for him though. I think it was all just a fantasy in my head.”

“What do you mean?”

She smiled softly, “Well, I mean, you know all those romance books I read? It’s all a fantasy and I think when I was younger, I thought that was what love was – a fantasy.”

They stayed silent after that for the rest of the journey back to her house. He was lying to himself if he said that he wasn’t at least a little bit hopeful after their conversation. The last few weeks had been a blur and now he found himself so intertwined with Lara Jean. He couldn’t imagine his days without her. He always looked forward to their tutoring sessions. Sometimes, they would just read together in silence and it was always comfortable. And, it was so easy to talk to her. He had never told anyone else his feelings about Gen but he trusted her. She was always so welcoming and understanding. He knew McClaren was a sensitive topic with her and he had actually been surprised that she brought him up at all. And, now she was admitting that her feelings for him weren’t real.

This was the moment. This was his chance to finally admit to her that he wanted to stop pretending. To stop calling their kissing just practice and to admit, that it hadn’t been practice in a really long time. To him, this was real. What he felt for her was real. 

But, his voice faltered. She jumped out of the car when they got to her house and he followed after her. She was walking in front of him, so close, yet so far away. 

She turned back towards him and smiled and he knew, without a doubt, that he was falling in love with Lara Jean Song-Covey.

-*-*-*-*-

They had finished the last act of Macbeth when Lara Jean suddenly put her book down on the kitchen island, looking up with her eyes wide.

“Wait, so what was the surprise?”

Peter smiled at her and got out his backpack, rifling through the bag. “I thought you’d never ask.” He searched for a few more moments before placing two tickets in front of her.

“The Shakespeare Theatre Company proudly presents Macbeth.” She read aloud and looked up at him, confused. “Peter, what is this?”

“We’re going to see it live.” His voice shook and his hands were suddenly clammy. He had never been this nervous before. He was Peter Kavinsky for god’s sakes. He didn’t get nervous around girls.

The smile on her face when she realized what was happening made it all worth it. She threw herself into his arms and squealed. “We’re going to see Macbeth? Oh my god, this is the best thing ever. Thank you!” 

She pulled back and played around with the tickets for a moment. “Wait, how much do I owe you for this?”

“It’s on me, Covey. Think of it as a thank you for all this tutoring.”

“Peter, I can’t-“

“Lara Jean,” he said seriously. “I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me. Please accept this gift.”

She smiled shyly at him and stood on her tip-toes, kissing him softly. He wrapped his arms around her waist, placing her on the stool. He moved between her legs and deepened their kiss. She ran her hands through his hair. It was just as soft as she thought it would be. She poured her feelings into the kiss, hoping that he could understand what she couldn’t quite make out herself. He returned her passion with fervor, nibbling gently at her lips. He kissed her ear and gently moved down her neck, nipping at her collar bone. 

She threw her head back and moaned, enjoying these new sensations that he was creating within her. “Is this a new lesson?” she murmured.

It felt like she had doused cold water on him. He pulled back and blinked a few times. Right. That was all this was to her. 

“Yeah,” he said, his voice rough. He returned back to her neck, kissing it lightly. He stopped after a few more moments, not able to continue the charade.

“Let’s start on the next play.”

Her eyes were glazed over but refocused when he said this. She looked confused but she nodded, nevertheless, “Yeah sure.”

-*-*-*-*-

Lara Jean half debated if she wanted to hang up before Margot could answer. This was probably a terrible idea. Margot had never exactly been the most supportive or understanding person. She was overly critical and always spoke her mind, even if it would hurt your feelings. The soothing sounds of the Skype app hummed for a few more seconds before she answered.

“Lara Jean! I’ve missed you.”

Crap. Well, she couldn’t hang up now. “Hi Gogo!” She tried to sound as chipper as possible but she should’ve known that her big sister would see right through it. Margot had always been incredibly perceptive to the point that it was aggravating. It was one of the reasons why Lara Jean was such a rule follower. It was impossible to lie to Margot.

“What’s wrong?” Margot asked, her face concerned. “You sound weird.”

“I’m fine. How’s St. Andrew’s going?”

“It’s rainy. I feel like it hasn’t stopped raining since I’ve gotten here. But, I’m loving it. The campus grounds are absolutely gorgeous – like something out of an Emily Bronte novel. You’ll have to come visit me.” Margot said it so resolutely that Lara Jean almost let herself believe her. Margot softened her voice and tilted her head, watching Lara Jean closely. “You know you can tell me anything right? Even though I’m thousands of miles away, I’m still here for you.”

Lara Jean opened her mouth to speak and then closed it immediately, not knowing how to put it. “I’m having some boy problems.”

“Okay,” Margot said, nodding. “Tell me more.”

Lara Jean looked down, not really able to meet Margot’s gaze. “Do you think it’s possible to like two guys? I think I may be a person that likes more than one person at a time.”

Margot just smiled at her. “You? Lara Jean, I think you are half fall in love with every person you meet. It’s part of your charm. You’re in love with love.”

“I guess,” Lara Jean responded softly. “Can I be honest with you? And you promise you won’t be mean?”

Margot was about to open her mouth to retort and say that she was never mean but she stopped herself and instead nodded patiently, wanting to prove that she could do this.

Lara Jean shared her story of the past few weeks, her agreement with Peter, the kissing and everything. “Everyone around me kept saying that I was boring and that I didn’t take risks so I just wanted to prove them wrong. I can do things too! I can surprise people.” 

Margot simply nodded and motioned for her to finish. Lara Jean explained about what happened that night a few days ago, when she lost control and straddled him in the middle of their living room.

“It felt different. It feels like that wasn’t just practice and like something’s different between us now.”

“Do you like him?” Margot asked.

“Yes,” Lara Jean said immediately. “He’s a great guy and I’m so glad he came back into my life. I missed being friends with him.”

“That’s not what I meant. I’m asking if you have romantic feelings for him?”

Lara Jean paused, not knowing how to answer. “I think so?” She said finally. “You know, for the longest time, I thought that I was head over heels in love with John Ambrose but what I feel for Peter is so different. He drives me crazy. Some days I just want to reach over the kitchen island and slap him upside the head because he’s being obtuse. I just can’t think clearly when I’m around him. I feel like I’m losing control and I’ve never felt that way before.” 

“And you’re scared of this?”

“Terrified,” Lara Jean answered honestly. It was a whisper. 

Margot was quiet for a few moments, thinking thoughtfully. Finally, she spoke. “I think you’re falling in love, Lara Jean.”

“What?” Her head snapped up, her eyes wide. “With Peter?” she nearly squeaked.

Margot nodded.

“I can’t be falling in love with Peter Kavinsky,” she moaned. “Gogo, I can’t be like those other girls.”

“You’re not,” Margot said emphatically. “From what it sounds like, Peter’s falling for you too. Why else would he get you tickets to a play? It’s clearly a date! And while I have to admit, I never pictured him as your prince charming, it sounds like he’s just that.”

“What should I do, Gogo?”

“Talk to him. You need to be honest with him and clear things up before it gets more complicated. I know how hard physical stuff is for you, Lara Jean. You need to talk to him.”

Lara Jean bit her lip, speaking softly. “What if he doesn’t want me?”

“Then it’ll hurt like hell,” she said honestly. 

-*-*-*-*-


	5. The Poem

Suddenly I wonder  
If you’re looking at me right now?  
Won’t you find out all my pain?  
I’ll be there for you  
I’ll be your light

\- “Moon” by BTS

Chapter 5: The Poem

Peter and Lara Jean were in the kitchen, papers scattered all over the island. They were reading The Glass Menagerie, the next play assigned to them in English class. 

“So, you’re saying that Tom isn’t a reliable narrator.”

“Exactly,” Lara Jean nodded, “he’s recalling all this from memory and is obviously biased.”

“I like him as a character.”

“Well, of course you like him. He’s telling the story so he’s going to make himself likeable.”

Peter nodded and pretended to go back to reading. Instead, he watched her carefully. Her hand was resting on the counter, so close to him and all he wanted to do was touch her, grab her hand, and pull her close to him. He could do it. His hand twitched in anticipation.

But, he stopped himself.

-*-*-*-

The days had seemingly gone back to normal. Although, at this point, Lara Jean couldn’t even define what normal exactly was? Back to before she started tutoring Peter and before they entered into this bizarre contract where they were supposed to kiss each other and be physically intimate but not have any actual feelings towards each other? Why did she ask him in the first place? She was so stupid.

Ever since that afternoon in her living room where he had shown her the tickets, he had been acting distant. They had started just reading, and nothing else. He stopped staying for dinner which was unusual. She had gotten used to him staying later, hanging out with Kitty and playing video games or they would watch a movie together before he headed back. He was still nice enough to her during their tutoring sessions but she noticed that he would always keep a careful distance from her, as if touching her would injure him. They hadn’t kissed since that day and Lara Jean wasn’t sure how to ask him. He wouldn’t let her get close to him so she just stopped too. She didn’t know how to respond.

The play was this weekend and on Thursday, she half debated if she wanted to ask him if he still wanted to go with her. Maybe he changed his mind? It seemed like he wanted distance between them and that these tutoring sessions were perfunctory. Her conversation with Margot repeated in her mind but how was she supposed to tell him how she felt now? She knew she was just setting herself up to be hurt at this point. So, she couldn’t. 

And, she didn’t. 

-*-*-*-

Peter was changing in the locker room after practice when Greg approached him, slapping him in the back. “Nice work out there, PK. You doing okay? You’ve been a little,” he paused for a moment, trying to find the right word, “intense lately.” He lifted his hands up, a signal of deference, “Not that I’m complaining.”

Peter pulled his shirt over his head and rubbed his towel against his head. “I’m fine. It’s nothing.”

Greg raised an eyebrow. “Doesn’t seem like nothing.” He cleared his throat, looking thoughtful. “It’s not Gen right? Because it’s been months at this point and you guys are both better off. She’s not worth it, man.”

“It’s not Gen.” Peter said adamantly, the frustration creeping into his voice.

Greg took a step back. “I’m not trying to push you, dude. We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. You just seemed like you needed to vent.”

“I can’t talk about it,” Peter said bitterly. “I made a promise not to.”

“Okay, don’t worry about it then.” Greg quickly changed the topic. “Any weekend plans?”

Peter’s eyes narrowed and he balled his hands into fists, thinking of how he was going to take Lara Jean to the theatre. It was supposed to be fun and when he had bought the tickets, he was so excited. He would profess his feelings for her and everything would work out. Now, it was all weird. 

Greg looked guiltily at him. “Not the right question to ask?”

“I can’t tell you who it is,” Peter said finally. “But, let’s just say that she’s driving me insane and I don’t know what to do.”

Greg sat down next to him and said quietly. “Is it Lara Jean Covey?”

Peter looked up, surprised and alarmed. 

“I’ve seen the way you look at her, man. You haven’t looked at someone like that in a long time. I honestly don’t even know if I’ve seen you look at Gen the way you look at her.”

“We’ve been hanging out. She’s been tutoring me and she’s just,” he sighed, sadness seeping into his voice, “she’s perfect.” He looked down at the floor, “I think I’m falling for her.”

“So, why is this a bad thing?”

“We kind of came to an agreement that things wouldn’t be serious between us.”

“What does that mean?”

“I can’t tell you, man, but just trust me. I agreed to something that I should’ve never said yes to.” He ran his hand through his hair, “I’m an idiot.”

“Can you undo it? You know? This agreement, just undo it and tell her how you feel.”

“She doesn’t feel that way about me. She just sees all of this as an arrangement.”

“You don’t know until you talk to her,” Greg said wisely. “You’re Peter Kavinsky, man. You got this.” He bumped his fist against Peter’s shoulder.

Peter smiled lightly, “You know I’ve already been rejected by one girl this year, am I really going to set myself up for another one?”

“She’s into you, dude. I’ve seen her watching you in Chemistry.”

Peter didn’t answer him and looked away. He felt Greg pat him on the back again as he walked out of the locker room. He needed to talk to her. 

It would all work out. It had to. Because, he didn’t know how to stop loving her.

-*-*-*-

It was Friday night when Kitty pointed it out. 

“Is something weird going on with you and Peter?”

Lara Jean immediately blushed and tried to busy herself with tossing the salad, turning her back to her sister. “No, what do you mean?”

“Well, he hasn’t been hanging out here as much lately.” Kitty’s eyes narrowed in suspicion. “And he has that wounded puppy dog look on his face all the time.” 

“Really?” She tried to keep her voice light and uncaring. 

“Yeah,” Kitty said, “And you don’t know any reason why he might be doing that?”

“Maybe he’s hung up on his ex-girlfriend.”

“Right. Of course.” Kitty leaned against the counter next to Lara Jean and looked at her closely. “His ex-girlfriend. That’s who he’s hung up on.”

Lara Jean nodded, trying her best to keep her face neutral. “Dinner’s almost ready.” Her phone buzzed in her pocket. 

Peter: Pick you up at 4 tomorrow?

Lara Jean: So early? Doors don’t open until 6:30.

Peter: Traffic could be bad. Wouldn’t want to miss the first act. 

Peter: Besides we could walk around the Mall. The weather is supposed to be nice.

Lara Jean: Okay- sounds good! See you tomorrow. 

Lara Jean could feel Kitty’s eyes watching her.

“What?” She finally asked.

“Nothing,” Kitty said innocently. “Nothing at all.”

-*-*-*-

It was Saturday afternoon and Lara Jean had emptied out her entire closet onto her bed and floor. She had nothing to wear. She tore through Margot’s closet and didn’t find anything she liked. She had brought most of her good stuff with her to Scotland. She stomped back to her room and started throwing outfits up in the air.

“Ughhh!”

“What is happening in here?” Kitty poked her head around the door. “Did a typhoon hit your room?”

“I don’t have anything to wear,” Lara Jean whined.

“I’m shocked you didn’t plan out your outfit already.”

“I told you I could be spontaneous!”

Kitty picked up a red dress from off the floor. “This is nice.”

“Isn’t it kind of on the nose if I wear red to see Macbeth?”

“I don’t know what that means. I’m eleven.”

Lara Jean rolled her eyes. “This one is a little tight. Is it really appropriate? Peter and I,” she paused and looked down at the floor. “We’re just friends,” she said finally. “This isn’t a date or anything.”

“Then why are you freaking out about what you’re going to wear?”

Lara Jean pursed her lips together and snatched the dress from her grasp. “Fine, give it to me. I’ll wear this.”

-*-*-*-

Peter could hear his heart pounding as he approached the Covey door. He had done this so many times before, walk from his car to their door, knock, but this time was different. This time she would get in the car and they would drive to DC. They’d spend hours with each other with just them. They had never done this before. Peter knew that it could end in disaster but he couldn’t stop himself from hoping. He would tell her tonight.

He knocked on the door and was surprised when Kitty flung it open. 

“Hey little Covey.”

She smiled at him and waved him in. “Peter! She’s taking forever to get ready.”

He waved a hello at Dr. Covey who was at his laptop on the couch. “Oh?” He tried to sound as nonchalant as possible.

Dr. Covey gave him a short and sweet dad talk to which Peter nodded readily, wanting not to piss him off. If tonight went well, he would be taking Lara Jean on many more dates.

And, then he saw her. She was walking down the stairs in a gorgeous red dress. It was sleek but still classy and so goddamn sexy. Her hair was down and clipped up with a barrette. She looked phenomenal. He knew he couldn’t wait. He needed to tell her as soon as they were alone. There was no way he could keep his hands off of her tonight. 

“You look nice,” he vaguely heard himself say. He was impressed that he managed to get any words out at all. 

“Thanks,” she replied softly, blushing prettily. He offered his arm to her and she looped hers through his, smiling as they walked out the door. 

“Have fun you two!” Dr. Covey called out after them.

“Not too much fun!” Kitty warned, laughing when her dad turned to her confused. 

“Wait, are they-?” 

Lara Jean could hear them talking about the true nature of hers and Peter’s relationship as they walked to his car. He opened the door for her and helped her up, his hands grazing hers. She looked up at him with such clear eyes that all he could do was jump and take the leap. He leaned forward, pressing a firm kiss to her lips. She seemed surprised at first, a small ‘oh’ escaping from her mouth. And, then she was melting into it. She returned his fervor, her fingernails raking across his chest.

It was the first time that they did this. Kiss so openly and in public where anyone, her neighbors, her father, her sister, could see. But, she didn’t care. All that mattered was him, here, close to her, his lips on hers. 

He pulled back and smiled at her. He closed the door and walked over to the driver’s side, taking a deep breath and readying himself. He opened the door, hopped in, and turned to her.

“Can you read the poem that I wrote for class?”

“Now?” she looked at him, confused, “You want me to read it now?”

“Yes.” He handed the piece of notebook paper over to her and watched her carefully, hanging on her every expression as she opened it and read.

_It took seven moments  
For me to realize that  
You were the one, not her  
Never her  
I wrap each numbered instance around my mind  
And wonder (about you, always you)  
Will you walk together with me now?_

-*-*-*-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You are all amazing! Thank you so much your feedback and support. Your words mean the world to me.


	6. The Date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's insane to me that this story has 1500+ views. I hope you're all enjoying this and thank you so much for reading and tuning in. Some fluffy goodness ahead :)

We are each other’s mystery  
So is it more special?  
Stay with me  
Stay here forever

\- “Friends” by BTS

Chapter 6: The Date

Lara Jean was silent for longer than he would’ve liked. But, finally, she spoke, her voice shaky.

“Is this-“ her eyes scanned the page again, as if re-reading it. She bit her lip, saying softly, as if not convinced of the words. “Is this about me?”

“Yes,” he said, letting out a sigh. “I think I’m falling in love with you.” And, there it was. He said it.

“You’re-“ her eyes widened. “What?” A smile broke out across her face and she looked at him in disbelief. “Say it again.”

It was his turn to smile now and he reached forward, grabbing her hand and placing a gentle kiss on her knuckles. “I’m falling in love with you, Lara Jean.”

She bridged the gap between their bodies and kissed him. It was like a dream. She was in his arms, leaning into his touch and kissing him, making tiny breathy moans that were driving him wild. He pulled back finally after a few minutes, placing one last kiss on her nose.

She crinkled it and giggled. “Does this mean I’m your girlfriend, Peter Kavinsky?” 

He nodded and she clasped her hands together and bounced lightly in her seat. “I’ve never been a girlfriend before. I hope I’m good at it.”

He smiled at her and kissed her on the cheek, before starting the car. And, that was reassurance enough.

-*-*-*-

Lara Jean had walked down the expanse of the Mall probably a hundred times before. It was a popular destination for field trips and family outings. She remembered walking through the Hirschhorn’s gardens for the first time, in awe of the giant sculptures that towered over her as a child. She remembered when Kitty practically dragged her to the Air and Space Museum, wanting to see the WWII fighter jets in person. One summer, she had lost Margot in the National Gallery and she cried for what felt like hours until a very kind security guard reunited them. 

It was so different walking down the strip with Peter. He was her boyfriend. She was his girlfriend. It was like a new world of possibilities had opened up for them. They were holding hands and she was kicking out her legs, taking large strides. Every so often, he would pull her into him and give her a breathtaking kiss.

They talked a bit about when they first knew they had feelings for each other and Peter shared two of the moments he referred to in the poem.

“One: During that first tutoring session when I tried to grab a cookie and you literally slapped my hand away like I was a child.”

“We hadn’t done any work yet! You had to earn those cookies,” she protested.

“Two: When I heard you read E.E. Cummings for the first time.”

She looked up at him, wonderment in her eyes. “Really?”

“I had never heard anyone read with such passion.” He stopped them and held her hand tightly. “I think you had more passion in those few moments than I’ve ever felt in my entire life.” He pulled her close and wrapped his arms around her. “It was the first time that I wanted something so desperately. I wanted to feel what you felt.”

Lara Jean flushed. She had never heard anybody describe her that way. She never realized that Peter was paying so much attention to her. She had spent most of her life thinking that she was invisible to everyone around her.

“I don’t really know what to say,” she said shyly.

“You don’t have to say anything at all.” 

-*-*-*-*-

Peter led them to their seats. They were in the third to last row in the balcony with a slightly obstructed view but Lara Jean could care less. He had bought her popcorn, a cherry coke, and a program. She pored over the booklet, ooing and ahhing at the actors and actresses, reading some of their biographies out loud, amazed that she was going to see such a talented ensemble.

They were squished together, their knees bumping up against each other. But, it was perfect. She put her hand in his and he squeezed it tightly.

“You know this is my first time to a theatre? Like an actual theatre.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, you’re classing me up, Covey.”

“Well, this was your idea.”

“Well, I was trying to impress you.”

She smiled and leaned over to kiss him softly. “It worked.” 

They were quiet for a few moments, watching the people mill to and from as the show was getting ready to start.

“I love the theatre,” she admitted. “I think if I was brave enough and actually had that type of talent, I would become an actress.”

“Really? I never pegged you as an actress. Definitely a playwright though.”

“Hmm,” she murmured in agreement. “I could definitely be a playwright.”

“You could be anything, Covey. You could do anything.”

Her hand twitched in his and she bit her lip, blushing. “Thank you, Peter.”

-*-*-*-

“That was such an amazing interpretation!” Lara Jean exclaimed, her voice bubbly and excited as they walked to the parking lot. “The stage was absolutely phenomenal and the costumes?” She put a hand to her chest. “Oh my god the costumes.”

“They were pretty awesome.”

“And the woman who played Lady Macbeth? She was so good! I literally cried during the scene with the damned spot!” She leaned her body into his, “Did you cry?”

“So many tears.”

“God, don’t you just feel so exhilarated?” she said as she skipped the next few steps. She stopped them on the sidewalk and looked at him seriously. “Thank you for doing this. This was the most amazing night.”

He leaned down and kissed her. “Does that mean I get a A+ for tonight’s date?

“A+++, for sure,” she reassured him. 

-*-*-*-

Lara Jean had to admit that she was a bit nervous to go to school. The weekend passed by in a blur. She was on such a high from their date Saturday night that she had spent most of her Sunday baking up a storm while Peter read and studied in the kitchen, sometimes watching her, sometimes reading aloud his favorite parts, and sometimes asking her questions about the play. He had really taken a liking to The Glass Menagerie and related to the protagonist. She was proud of him for working so hard and trying.

She hopped into his Jeep on Monday morning. He promised to actually be on time and he actually was. Her dad had dropped off Kitty at school earlier because of a school field trip so they were alone in the car.

“Morning Covey.”

“Good morning!” she handed over a Yakult and popped hers open, sipping from it. “So, do we have a game plan?” she finally said after a few quiet moments.

“Game plan? Were we supposed to come up with one?”

“About us!” she exclaimed.

“I’m not following.”

“Are we just going to walk into school together and pretend like it’s nothing?”

“Yes,” He said cautiously. He wasn’t sure if that was the right answer.

“Why are boys so dense?” she muttered to herself. “Okay, don’t kiss me in public today. That might be a little too much.”

“What? I can’t kiss you?”

“Well, we technically only started dating two days ago and nobody knows about our secret kissing agreement so yes! No kissing for today.” The words poured out of her in a continuous stream and she paused to take a breath. “Just for the week! That’ll be believable.”

“You’re seriously not going to let me kiss you for a week?” He acted as if she had just told him the worst news ever. “How are people even going to know we’re together then?”

“There’s a lot more to being in a relationship than kissing,” she said haughtily. She turned to him and he was pouting, his lower lip jutting out. She sighed, “Fine. You can put your hand in my back pocket.”

He groaned audibly. “The candle movie thing?”

“Yes,” she bit back and put her hand on his thigh. He looked up, surprised, and almost swerved in the lane. “I need you to do this for me, please.”

“Okay,” he agreed. He could deny her nothing. He was such a sucker.

-*-*-*-

So, like in the movie, they walked into school with his hand in her back pocket. He dropped her off at her locker, twirling her around for a bit. She put her hands against his chest to stop herself and giggled. He knew he wasn’t allowed to kiss her so he settled on whispering close to her ear. 

“Is this what you had in mind?”

She looked up at him and smiled. “This is perfect.”

Neither noticed Gen who stood twenty feet from them, staring frostily in their direction. 

-*-*-*-

Lara Jean was walking to the library during her free period when she felt herself being pulled into an empty classroom. She could see Chris’s blonde hair in her peripheral vision. Chris closed the door behind them and whipped Lara Jean into the room. 

Lara Jean stumbled a few steps but steadied herself. “What’s up?” She said, keeping her voice light.

“What’s up? Are you serious right now? That’s all you have to say to me.” Chris said, her eyes wide. “Are you and PK dating?”

Lara Jean nodded slightly and bit her lip, folding her hands together in front of her.

“And this is the first I’m hearing of this?” Chris demanded, her voice officially screeching at this point. In the next instant, she gathered Lara Jean up in a hug and was bouncing from side to side. “I fucking knew it.”

Lara Jean laughed out loud and shrugged. “It just happened this weekend. We’ve been hanging out a lot and things kind of just escalated.”

“That’s putting it lightly,” Chris raised an eyebrow. “So, is Kavinsky as good of a kisser as my cousin says?”

“Chris!” Lara Jean flushed and smacked her lightly against the shoulder. 

“I’ll take that as a yes.” She cocked her head to the side, “Did you tell Lucas yet? Because if you didn’t, you know he’s going to kill you.”

Lara Jean looked away guiltily.

Lucas, in fact, did not kill Lara Jean when he finally found out a class period later. They all had Trigonometry together and Lucas immediately flanked both Lara Jean and Chris when he entered the classroom. 

“You dirty little beeyotch!” Lucas said with a smile. “I can’t believe you didn’t immediately FaceTime us when it happened.”

“That would’ve been so romantic,” Lara Jean said dryly. “It was actually nice having it be our little secret for awhile. This,” she waved her hands in the air, “is all a little overwhelming.” She pursed her lips together. “People keep staring at me and I’ve felt Gen’s glare on me the whole day. Is this what it’s like to be a girlfriend?” She looked to Chris and then to Lucas.

“Well, I guess that’s what being Peter Kavinsky’s girlfriend is like,” Chris finally said. She patted Lara Jean on the back. “Don’t worry about it. This will pass and the next piece of hot goss will overtake Adler High.”

Lucas leaned in and smirked. “So, did Gen almost have an aneurysm when she saw you guys this morning?”

“I honestly don’t want to think about it,” Lara Jean admitted. “I really don’t want to have to deal with her.”

“It’s all a part of the package,” Chris said with a smile.

Their conversation ended when the teacher entered the classroom when the bell rang.

-*-*-*-

“Is it true?”

Peter tried to ignore her but Gen slammed his locker shut on him. He could see the locker door still vibrating from the force. He backed away from her, shooting her an annoyed look.

Gen had her arms crossed across her chest. She stared at him expectantly, her face annoyed, “Is it true that you’re dating the virgin saint?”

“Why do you care, Gen?” He finally said, his tone exasperated as he looked at her. She was visibly upset which was surprising. She usually didn’t like to show people that things bothered her.

Her lips formed a straight line as she huffed, “You know she’s never going to give it up.”

“That’s not why I’m dating her.”

She snorted loudly and rolled her eyes. “Sure, that’s believable. Pretty soon you’re just going to be frustrated and pissed and guess what? You’ll probably come running back to me,” she leaned in and grazed her fingertips across his shirt, “begging me to take you back.”

He moved away from her as if scalded. He didn’t want to admit it but Gen did still have an effect on him. They dated for years. It was hard to get his body not to respond to her after all that time.

“I’ll be waiting,” she smirked as she flounced down the hallway, making sure to sway her hips as she walked away.

-*-*-*-


	7. The First

Time seems to have stopped  
I have always been afraid  
But what if that moment’s right now

\- “Black Swan” by BTS

Chapter 8: The First

Peter Kavinsky was a very affectionate boyfriend. It was a week into their official dating and he couldn’t keep his hands off her as they walked to English together. When she finally lifted the kissing ban, as he liked to call it, he kissed her at every opportunity at school. It was nice being kissed and doted on. He wrapped his hand around her waist, bringing her attention to the present. They filed into the classroom and he kissed her on the cheek as she sat down behind him. They had started Jane Eyre last week and Lara Jean would be lying if she said this wasn’t her favorite book that they had covered in class so far. She just loved what an unlikely hero Mr. Rochester was and she couldn’t help but relate to Jane. Like her, she was also small, quiet, and often went unnoticed.

She could feel herself changing though, much like Jane Eyre did when she fell in love with Edward Rochester. It was weird to her, finding parallels in her own life to a book she was reading. It was what she had always wanted when she read her romance novels – to be swept up into an epic life-altering romance. But, she never really expected it to happen.

They were studying in her room later that day, Lara Jean on her stomach, reading the next chapter of Jane Eyre with her feet kicked up behind her. Peter sat next to her cross-legged, working on his next assignment for his poetry class. They read and worked in comfortable silence for a bit when he put his book down and leaned in to kiss her.

She protested meekly but gave in eventually, pulling his shirt and body towards her. Soon, they were both lying on their sides. He was kissing her so softly and lightly brushing his hands up and down her sides. She would never get tired of this, kissing him. She let out a breathy moan and he wrapped his arms around her like a vice, pulling her onto him. She could feel each and every one of his muscles against her skin and she blushed. He brushed the hair out of her face and cradled her chin in his palm, kissing her gently.

“I love you, Lara Jean.”

She giggled and kissed him on the nose. She leaned back and rested her chin against his shoulder, whispering softly. “Me too.”

She couldn’t say the words just yet. She felt them but saying it seemed so concrete and official, as if declaring to him and the world that she was ready to open herself up and be vulnerable, ready to be hurt. She wanted to say them but there was something deep in within her that still held her back. The anxiety built up in her throat and she faltered.

Peter pressed his lips to her firmly and ran his hand through her hair, burying his fist in her tendrils. And, she stopped thinking altogether. 

-*-*-*-

It was a very different experience, being Peter Kavinsky’s girlfriend in public, Lara Jean quickly realized. She didn’t think that people would pay so much attention to her but they did. They sat next to each other in every class they had together which was distracting not only because he loved to rub his hands across her back and arms when the teacher wasn’t looking but also because he and his friends still goofed around, making noise, distracting each other and her when all she wanted to do was pay attention. They always ate in the cafeteria. Most of the time, she managed to convince Chris and Lucas to sit with them as well but on days that Chris fled to Subway or Lucas wanted to go to the choir room to practice music, she was left alone with them. Peter was attentive, always wanting to include her and all his friends were quite funny and sweet but it always made her feel slightly out of place.

Today, they were all talking excitedly about the upcoming ski trip and all their epic plans of who was sneaking which handle of alcohol on the trip and what slopes they were going to hit. Lara Jean had never been on the ski trip before but now that she was officially Peter Kavinsky’s girlfriend, her spot on the trip was cemented. She could never say no. She had already tried. And, clearly that failed. 

Lara Jean knew that she was just letting her thoughts get in the way and that the awkwardness came from her. His friends were nice and welcoming. But, it was all so bizarre to her. She went from having 2 best friends to having the entire lacrosse and track team surrounding her at any given moment and it was all a little overwhelming. 

She didn’t know how to do this. She had never been popular before.

So, on a rare day when she begged Peter to just let her go to the library during her free period with minimal argument, she finally managed to pull herself away from him despite his protests, and literally ran to the library. She walked to the very back to her favorite table. It was behind the prehistoric fossils section where no one ever ventured. She was surprised to see someone already sitting there.

“Lara Jean,” John Ambrose smiled and pointed at the empty seat across from him.

“Hi,” she squeaked softly. This was the first time that she had seen him since she and Peter started officially dating. She had heard through the grapevine that he and Dipti were getting closer. She smiled at him and for the first time that whole week, she opened her book and read in silence.

This was exactly what she needed. She was so enthralled with her book, munching on her sliced cucumbers and tomatoes. She had learned to bring soft vegetables to snack on. She had read nearly 30 pages when John finally cleared his throat.

“You still plan on coming to practice?”

She looked up at him and bit her lip guiltily, “I know I’ve missed a few. I’m sorry.” Between going to Peter’s games and practices then hanging out with his friends and still tutoring him, she really didn’t have a whole lot of free time for her own extracurricular activities and scholastic bowl. 

“But, you’re still on the team though, right?” 

She looked down at her book, avoiding his gaze. “I don’t know. I’m just not sure if I have time for it.”

John was surprised and raised an eyebrow. “I never figured you as the that type.”

“What?” 

“The type that just became so and so’s girlfriend. You are allowed to have a life outside being Peter Kavinsky’s girlfriend, you know.”

Lara Jean snapped her head up and looked at him, confused. He almost seemed. Jealous? “I do have my own life,” she huffed, trying to defend herself.

“Oh really? You coming to scholastic bowl practice this afternoon?”

She paused and pressed her lips together. She had told Peter that she would watch his lacrosse practice and then go over to Gabe Rivera’s house to hang out. She refused to believe that what John Ambrose was saying was true though. She had her own life. She was very much her own person and she could do whatever she wanted.

“Yes,” she bit out. “I am.”

John looked at her, clearly not convinced, and nodded, letting the matter rest for now.

-*-*-*-

When she finally left the library, she darted through the hallways, trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. Lara Jean spotted the head of blonde hair that she was looking for and pulled Chris into an empty classroom, replicating what her best friend had done to her prior.

“Yes?” Chris asked inquiringly. “I see you require my attention.”

“Do you think I hang out with Peter too much?” Lara Jean blurted out.

Chris looked at her, amused. “I mean you guys just got into this new relationship and this is your first one. You’re both excited, I get it. I mean, you didn’t realize that PK was a needy bastard? Why do you think he and Gen dated for so long? They’re both so co-dependent.”

Lara Jean squeezed her eyes shut tightly. “Ughh, this is exactly what I didn’t want. I didn’t want to become one of those boy obsessed girlfriends.”

Chris shrugged, “Okay, easy fix. Just set some boundaries. Carve out a little more you time.” She clapped her hands together as if a brilliant thought had just struck her, “Don’t hang out with him tonight. Why don’t me and Lucas come over and we can do something.”

That would mean that she would be missing his practice and not hanging out with him after school. Lara Jean felt conflicted. There was absolutely nothing wrong with hanging out with her boyfriend especially since they were still in the honeymoon phase, having only just started dating. But, John’s words got to her and a part of her was still worried. She couldn’t help but wonder if she was setting herself up to have her heart broken and crushed. Was she falling too fast? 

She nodded her agreement with Chris who happily started texting Lucas their evening plans. 

-*-*-*-

After their last class bell rang, Peter grabbed Lara Jean’s hand and automatically started to lead her to the lacrosse field. She paused her steps and pulled him to a stop. He looked back at her, slightly amused and confused. 

“Everything alright, Covey?”

“I’m going to scholastic bowl practice.”

Peter looked surprised. “Oh, I didn’t realize you were still doing that.” He leaned down and kissed her on the lips gently. “Okay, sounds good. I’ll see you after both our practices then. We can head to Gabe’s together?”

She bit her lip guiltily and looked down at the floor.

“What’s up, Covey? You’re being a little weird and quiet.”

She still couldn’t look at him. “I’m hanging out with Chris and Lucas this afternoon.”

He was disappointed, she could tell, when she finally snuck a look at him. But, then as quickly as it appeared, it disappeared and he smiled, pulling her into a hug.

“Okay, sounds good. I’ll call you tonight.”

She looked at him, surprised. This was not the reaction she was expecting. But, what exactly was she expecting? A fight? For him to protest and demand that she go to his practice and give up her own? No, Peter wasn’t like that. She shook her head, disappointed with herself for thinking so little of him. He didn’t deserve that.

He turned to leave and she pulled at his arm again, forcing him to stop again. She threw herself into him and he caught her, wrapping his arms around her, smiling in surprise.

She whispered into his neck. “You know I feel it right? I can’t say it yet but I feel it.”

He set her down on the ground and kissed the top of her head. “I know, Covey. I love you.”

She stared after him as he ran off to practice, his backpack swung over one shoulder, his messy curls bouncing with the movement. It was undeniable.

Lara Jean Song-Covey loved Peter Kavinsky. It was her first love story.

-*-*-*-

Practice was rougher than usual. Coach had made them run laps up and down the bleachers until Darrell finally waved his hands in defeat, collapsing onto the grass, probably close to fainting or vomiting. Peter was so sore as he pulled his shirt off, splashing some water onto his face. When he opened his eyes, Gen was standing in front of him, her cheerleading outfit on and pom poms in one hand. He started to walk away from her when she spoke. 

“No Lara Jean today?” Gen nodded to the spot on the bleachers that Lara Jean typically sat when she watched Peter’s practices. “She’s usually so pathetic sitting there and watching you from afar.”

“I’m not in the mood for this, Gen.” He started to walk away again.

She grabbed onto his forearm and squeezed suggestively. “Please tell me what you’re in the mood for.” She played with the hem of her skirt and leaned in close to him, whispering in his ear. “I think I know what you’re in the mood for.”

Peter knew he should’ve pushed her away immediately but he let himself linger for a moment too long. When he finally pushed himself away from her, Gen was smiling victoriously.

“I’ll be waiting.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can we all guess what I'm setting this up for? A vicious plot bunny jumped into my head and this previously fluffy story is taking a different turn. I told you I couldn't stay away from the angst. Fret not, our happy couple will make it through.


	8. The Calm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My daily update streak continues! Enjoy, all!!
> 
> Minimal angst in this chapter, I promise. IT'S COMING LATER :) Just lots of cute stuff because I freaking love these two.

My blood, sweat and tears  
My body, mind and so  
I know well they’re all yours  
This is a spell that will punish me

\- “Blood, Sweat and Tears” by BTS

Chapter 8: The Calm

Lara Jean couldn’t believe there were so many high school students at this tournament. Did this many people really willingly wake at 6AM on a Saturday to participate in an extracurricular activity where the most prized item of the competition is a blue first-place ribbon? It seemed so.

Bleary-eyed, she crawled out of John Ambrose’s car, stifling another yawn. John really was a wonderful captain. He had bought them all donuts and coffee so that they would all be hydrated and satiated before their first big match. He also single-handedly managed to pick up the entire team in his mom’s minivan. He was a man with a mission.

So, on a bright and chilly Saturday morning, Lara Jean was trudging her way into a rival high school’s auditorium, trying her best not to fall asleep while walking. People milled to and from around her and suddenly, she didn’t seem that tired at all. They filed into the corner of the auditorium which was deemed their private section. She flopped herself down onto an uncomfortable plastic chair and whipped out her bag of baby carrots, munching on them and not really paying attention to her surroundings.

She was surprised when John sat next to her, also mindlessly eating a donut. 

“Don’t you have captain stuff to do?”

He shrugged and continued eating his donut. “I already filled out all the paperwork last night so nope, just get to sit around with you.”

Lara Jean popped another carrot into her mouth and offered her baggie to him. He politely declined and she looked ahead, watching people set up the stage.

“This is quite the production.”

“It always is.”

He smiled at her and their conversation drifted to weekend plans and school trips. Dipti joined their conversation at one point, slowly sipping her hot coffee.

“You guys talking about the ski trip?” Dipti asked, her brown eyes wide with excitement.

“You guys got sucked in too?” Lara Jean asked, commiserating. At least this meant two more people that she knew fairly well were going on the trip with her. 

“I think it’ll be fun! I’ve never been on a skip trip before. Johnny promised me he would teach me.”

John laughed lightly and mussed up Dipti’s hair. “She’s such a clutz. If she didn’t have me watching her, she’d probably tumble down the mountain.”

“That’s why you’re going to teach me!” Dipti protested, slapping John lightly on the shoulder.

It was a sweet moment between them and Lara Jean smiled. She was happy for John Ambrose. She was glad that he finally seemed to find someone that he could relax around. 

“It’s going to be short trip for me though,” John lamented. “I’m going to take my car and drive there since I need to leave early.”

“I’m glad you’re still coming though,” Dipti said, kissing him on the cheek before getting up to get some water.

“You guys are cute,” Lara Jean teased. 

John rolled his eyes but still smiled and clapped his hands. “The fun begins!”

-*-*-*-

Lara Jean was not expecting anyone to come to the tournament. Her dad and Kitty obviously knew about it. She had only vaguely mentioned it to Chris and Lucas in passing. Peter knew but she figured he had lacrosse practice all day, per usual. 

She was shocked when she stepped out onto the stage to take her seat with the rest of her teammates when she saw her dad, Kitty, Peter, Chris, and Lucas with posters, wildly cheering as she walked onto the stage. Her eyes widened and her cheeks flushed and suddenly, she wished she hadn’t braided her hair this morning because then she could at least hide some of her embarrassment.

They were the only ones in the crowd give or take a few clusters of parents and siblings. She waved at them stupidly and smiled, gesturing for them to quiet down.

This only made Kitty, Peter and Chris cheer harder.

-*-*-*-

Lara Jean was proud of herself. She had answered 8 questions correctly and though their team didn’t win first place, they did get third which was pretty impressive considering the number of teams that competed. When they finished up, she ran off the stage and straight into Peter’s arms, waving her green ribbon around. 

“We won!” She exclaimed. She looked at the ribbon admiringly, “I think this is the first time that I’ve won anything.”

He gave her a soft but quick kiss on the lips. “I love having a smarty-pants girlfriend.”

Before she could answer, Kitty and her dad had enveloped her in a hug while Chris and Lucas cheered around her. 

Chris snatched the ribbon from her hands and laughed. “Does this mean you won nerd camp?”

Before Lara Jean could protest, her dad suggested they all head to Corner Café to celebrate, his treat. As they all walked out of the auditorium, Peter’s arm across her shoulder, Lara Jean couldn’t help but think that it was all perfect. 

-*-*-*-

_I’ll be waiting for you._

This was the second time that Gen had said that to Peter. Gen blatantly flirted with him every time she saw him and also kept blowing up his phone with texts. At first, he still answered her mostly out of habit. It was true what he told Lara Jean before. She had been a part of his life for so long – it felt weird not to text her. At this point, however, it was getting ridiculous.

He had a girlfriend. Lara Jean. It didn’t feel right to text Gen anymore. So, he tried to stop and not respond but that just made it worse in school. She always managed to corner him when he was alone and there weren’t that many people around, running her hand along his arm suggestively. 

He always stopped her and walked away. He would never be that guy. He would never become his dad. 

Several days later, Peter and Lara Jean were sitting on his couch watching Die Hard, his arm around her. He played with her hair, loving the smooth silkiness against his fingers. His phone buzzed. 

Gen had sent him a picture of herself in a red bikini. 

Gen: I think I might bring this on the ski trip. Thoughts?

He threw his phone against the couch a little too hard and Lara Jean turned to him, her brow furrowed. She was so cute in that moment that all he could do was lean down and kiss her. 

“What’s wrong?” She hadn’t let it go when she pulled back from the kiss. “Are you mad at your phone?”

“It’s Gen,” he finally said. He heard her suck in a breath and she immediately froze in his arms. “She keeps texting me and flirting with me.”

Lara Jean’s lips formed a perfect ‘oh’ and she tried to move herself out of his arms. 

Peter paused the movie and sat up straighter on the couch. “I wanted to tell you truth. I don’t know why she keeps texting me and I don’t want to hide anything from you.”

She looked down, starting to play with the throw pillow. “I didn’t realize you guys still talked.”

He sighed heavily and ran his hand through his hair. “I only want to be friends with her. You know that right?”

She was silent and suddenly, he knew that was the wrong thing to say. 

“She was a part of my life for so long. She gets me.”

Lara Jean’s face fell even further and he cursed himself. God, he was so bad at this. That was clearly also the wrong thing to say.

“Lara Jean-“ he tried to pull her closer but she pushed his hands away.

“I think I should go home, Peter.”

“No, stop, I’m not going to let you run away,” his hands grabbed hers and he kissed her knuckles gently. “She’s just a friend, Lara Jean, nothing more. You know that.”

Lara Jean sighed and pulled her hands back hastily. “You know that people see you right? Lucas literally came up to me the other day and asked me if something was happening between you two because he saw her flirting with you, her hands all over you on the field.”

“What?” He looked shocked and immediately shook his head. “That was nothing. Nothing happened.”

“But she wants something to happen,” Lara Jean pressed. “You know it’s driving her crazy, us being together. She’s up to no good, I know she is. She was my best friend for years. I know her, Peter, and she can’t be trusted.”

“So what do you want me to do?”

“I’m not going to be one of those girls that tells their boyfriends what to do. I’m just telling you that I don’t trust her and I know that she’s plotting something.” Lara Jean sighed and leaned back against the couch.

He was silent for a few moments before he spoke. “There’s nothing that she could ever do that would pull me away from you, Covey.” He looked at her intently. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone else.” He brushed the hair out her face and caressed her gently. “It’s like I finally get all those poems you’ve been making me read.”

She huffed but smiled. “They were for class, thank you very much.” She fiddled with the hem of her blouse, not really able to meet his eyes. “I’m scared, Peter.” 

He looked at her in surprise and waited for her to continue.

“What I feel for you, it’s terrifying.” She finally looked up at him, her brown eyes clear and intense. She skimmed her finger against his lips. “I love you, Peter Kavinsky.” She finally said it. “And, I can’t help but feel like she’s going to tear us apart.”

He didn’t say anything. He just pulled her onto his lap, his hands gripping her waist so tightly that she felt like their bodies were melded against each other. He kissed her so passionately, pouring all his emotions into them. 

They finally pulled away from each other after what seemed like hours. She stayed on his lap and he smiled up at her. 

“Three: When I watched you bake for the first time. You had this look of concentration on your face like you were aiming for perfection. I was just in awe of how much you cared.”

She blushed and kissed him on the cheek.

“Four: When we talked about our past loves.” 

She cocked her head to side, looking slightly confused. 

“I had never told anyone the things I told you about Gen and how I felt.” He admitted, “It was nice to have someone that just listened and understood.” He went on. “When you said that McClaren was just a childhood crush, I was so happy and hopeful that you might actually like me.”

Lara Jean looked at him, amazed at how much he was willing to reveal. He was so trusting and willing to open himself up to her. She kissed him softly.

And, in that moment, everything was perfect.

-*-*-*-*-

Chris groaned as she slid into the seat next to Lucas on the bus and directly across from Lara Jean and Peter. 

“I can’t believe you two mothereffers managed to convince me to go on a school outing.” She pulled her hoodie down over her face. “And having to get up before 7AM? What is this savagery?”

Lucas laughed at her and leaned his head into her shoulder. “I’ll be your cuddle buddy, boo.”

Lara Jean rolled her eyes at Chris’s dramatics and handed both Lucas and Chris a baggie of homemade chocolate chip cookies. “Does this make it better?”

Chris merely harrumphed and shoved her hand into the bag, immediately devouring two cookies. Lucas said his thanks and pulled one cookie out, savoring it.

“Mmm, new recipe, LJ?”

“I used palm oil this time instead of butter. What do you think?”

“Mmm, it’s good,” he responded, mouth full of cookie.

“Largie, are those cookies?” Greg’s voice boomed as he got on the bus. He immediately put his hands out and Peter pushed him away.

“Dude, relax.”

“Ummm, I’m going to need at least four cookies or else I’m not leaving and then the whole ski trip will be delayed because no one else can get on this bus.”

Peter was in the process of pushing his best friend away when Lara Jean took another bag of cookies out of her backpack and handed it to Greg.

Trevor followed and poked his head out behind Greg. “Me too!” He winked at Lara Jean when she gave him his very own bag.

“Do you have an extension charm on that bag?” Peter teased.

Lara Jean looked at him excitedly and bounced up and down. “Did you finally start The Sorcerer’s Stone?”

“I finished it last night,” Peter admitted and pulled out Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets from his backpack. 

“Ahh!” she clapped her hands together and hugged him. “You’re going to love it although book four is definitely still my favorite. I mean all the different schools and the Triwizard tournament and dragons? I mean, come on.” She chattered on for several more minutes and Peter just looked at her lovingly, adoring how excited she got over the nerdiest things. 

He interrupted her with a kiss when she was in the middle of debating with herself if she thought Professor McGonnagall was a better headmaster than Albus Dumbledore. She squeaked in surprise before melting into the kiss. “What was that for?”

“I just love you is all,” he said simply. He pulled up his backpack and unzipped it, showing her his secret stash of goodies he had gotten from the Korean grocery store. “And since you insist on giving away all your snacks. I brought some for the both of us.”

“Peter!” she exclaimed, looking at the Pocky and the Yakult that he bought. She squealed when she saw that he had gotten her favorite strawberry chocolate koala bear snacks. “You went all the way across town?”

“You’re worth it, Covey,” he whispered into her ear and snuggled up against her neck.

-*-*-*-


	9. The Fall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's hereeeeeeee. Enjoy, my darlings. This one hurt.
> 
> Trigger warning - there are some mild consent issues below so if that makes you uncomfortable, when you see 444444, skip to the next section.

Can’t you hear me?  
You have to trust me  
Baby, just don’t give a damn  
Promise me

\- “Love Maze” by BTS

Chapter 9: The Fall

Lara Jean was having fun. She had set some low expectations, thinking it would just be cold, wet, and probably slightly painful since she had no idea how to ski but it was actually fun. When she found herself whizzing down the slope, her stomach lurching slightly, the wind blowing through her hair, she knew that she couldn’t stop even if she wanted to. And, it was the first time in her life that she ever willingly let go of that control and she was okay with it.

Peter was waiting for her at the bottom of the bunny slope. He rushed to her, picking her up like she weighed nothing at all, and twirled her around. 

“You did it!”

She bounced up and down and clapped her gloves together. “I didn’t die!”

They went down the slopes a few more times, finally ending their day inside the lobby of the ski resort, sipping hot chocolate. Lara Jean had asked for extra mini-marshmallows. She knew that skiing down the bunny slope was probably pretty boring for Peter since he had much more experience than her. All of his friends, Gen, and Chris had all gone down black diamond and yet, he stayed with her with no complaints at all.

She took a mini-marshmallow and pressed it up against his lips before kissing him. The marshmallow melted in their mouths and she could taste the sticky sweetness against his lips. 

He smiled at her, raising an eyebrow in surprise. “There’s no like you, Covey.”

-*-*-*-

The party that followed was a lot rowdier than she expected. She hadn’t gone to many parties throughout her high school career and she wasn’t sure if all parties were like this. She certainly hoped not. The chaperones all went to bed early as expected. Gabe turned down the lights in the rec room, turned up the music on his portable speaker, whipped out four handles of alcohol and the rest was history.

Lara Jean tucked herself in the corner of the party with Lucas. They both watched as Chris flirted with Trevor Pike in amusement. Chris had somehow managed to get a bottle of whipped cream and was currently whizzing it into his mouth and face. Lara Jean bumped Lucas in the shoulder.

“Penny for your thoughts?”

Lucas shrugged, looking at the interaction between Chris and Trevor almost wistfully. “You guys have it so easy. There’s like two gay guys in our high school and I’m going to say no thank you to both of those options.”

She leaned up against the wall and tipped head towards the crowd. “We’re going to be in the real world soon and all of this is going to be a distant memory.”

He smirked at her. “Even Kavinsky?”

She blushed and looked at Peter who was currently playing flip cup and drinking his fifth or sixth beer. She had lost count. “I don’t know,” she answered honestly. “I hope not.”

She turned to him and asked him seriously. “Do you really think you can find your true love in high school? I mean, we’re all so young.” She trailed off.

Lucas looked at her thoughtfully. “I think you can find your true love at any point in your life. You just have to be open to it.”

She smiled at him and took a sip of her drink. “You’re a wise man, Lucas.”

-*-*-*-

Gen was flirting with him again. Peter had played four games of flip cup in a row which he realized after the fact was probably not the best idea. He moved to the corner of the room, trying to find some water when she approached him. 

“I can’t believe you brought Saint Lara Jean here.” Gen actually looked genuinely hurt as she crossed her arms in front of her chest. “The ski trip was supposed to be our thing.”

“What do you want, Gen?” He asked, only slurring his words slightly.

She squinted at him, annoyed. “You know I broke up with Zach a week ago.”

He snorted and shrugged dramatically. “Why do you think I would care?”

She made a move to touch his arm and he took a big step back, bumping up against the wall. A flash of pain crossed her eyes before she steeled herself.

“You know she’s just going to leave you when she realizes exactly who you are,” she spat out. She turned on her heel and stomped off to the rest of the party.

Peter shook his head and filled his red solo cup with water. He needed to stop drinking. He made his way through the party, the haze of alcohol settling into his brain, as he pushed through. Finally, he spotted a familiar head of jet black hair. She was talking to Lucas. He wrapped his arms around her and bent down slightly, resting his head on her shoulder. 

“Let’s get out of here, Covey.”

She turned towards him and giggled, kissing his cheek. “You’re drunk, Peter Kavinksy.”

“You are correct,” he admitted. “I’m sleepy. Let’s go cuddle.”

“And have you snore loudly and drunk drool on me? No thanks,” Lara Jean laughed and pulled him away. “Let’s go get you in bed, sleepy bear.”

She waved at Lucas, “Come to mine and Chris’s room in like 20 minutes. I need to put big baby to sleep and then we can do Korean face masks.”

Lucas nodded his goodbye, patting Peter on the back. “Your morning’s going to be a bitch tomorrow.”

Peter groaned loudly and let his head drop against Lara Jean’s shoulder. “But, I was having such a good night!”

She laughed and reached into his back pocket, grabbing his room key as they walked through the lobby and approached the elevators. 

“Ooo, Covey, are you feeling me up?”

She snorted lightly, leading him into the elevator and shook her head, “Yes, I absolutely need you to ravish me this very moment.”

“Ooo,” he reached for her and she swatted him away playfully, “I love it when you use your old timey sexy speak.”

“What are you even saying?”

“You know,” his eyes twinkled, “From your sexy time books.”

She flushed and slapped his forearm hard, “We are not talking about my books.”

He pulled her to him and placed a sloppy but soft kiss against her lips. “I want you so much.” Even intoxicated, he was still a good kisser. He pushed Lara Jean up against the back of the elevator, his hands wrapped around her waist. He was lifting her slightly off the ground and she found it difficult to breathe, completely lost in him.

The elevator dinged when they reached his floor. He moaned audibly and Lara Jean smiled up at him and dragged him out of the elevator and down the hallway. About twenty minutes later, Lara Jean exited his room after finally successfully putting Peter to bed. Drunk Peter was certainly handsy and needy and he tried, several times, to convince her to stay and cuddle with him. He even started to undress in front of her, claiming that he couldn’t sleep in jeans and a shirt – it was unheard of! She quickly rushed into the bathroom, shouting out behind her that she was going to get him a glass of water and the trash basket in case he needed to vomit in the middle of the night. When she came back, he was undressed, his pile of clothes strewn across the floor, under the covers and completely passed out. She put the glass of water next to his bed and sat down next to him, tempted to run her hands across his well-defined abs. Instead, she pulled the covers up to his neck and kissed him softly on the forehead.

“Good night, sleepyhead.”

444444444444444444444444444

Emily was cackling as Gen pulled her down the long hallway towards Greg’s room. She had heard Greg bragging earlier about how he had an eighth of weed in his bag and was going to smoke up later. With a little maneuvering, she managed to steal the key from his back pocket and now she and Gen were trying to make their way into his room to steal his weed. Too bad they were both drunk. Gen seemed a bit more sober as she grabbed onto Emily’s hand and led her to the right room. Gen grabbed the key from Emily’s hands and opened the door.

Loud snoring could be heard as they opened the door and they immediately ducked. Emily protested as Gen led her into the room, hissing, “There’s someone in here, Gen!”

Gen put a finger to her lips, motioning for Emily to be quiet. They walked a little further into the room and saw Peter lying in bed, completely passed out.

Emily nodded towards the door. “It’s Kavinsky. We need to go.”

Gen was silent for a few moments, her face blank and Emily knew that she was plotting something. She could see the wheels turning in her best friend’s mind and when the devious smile spread over Gen’s face, she immediately knew that they should just retreat and leave the room.

Gen turned on her phone and tapped a few buttons, handing her phone to Emily. “Here,” she whispered. “Take a few pictures for me.” And before Emily could protest, Gen pushed the covers off of Peter, exposing his naked torso. She took her top off and got on the bed and curled herself into his body, closing her eyes. 

“Take the picture,” Gen demanded.

And, so Emily did. 

4444444444444444444444444444

It was barely 7AM when she heard someone burst into the room. She and Lucas had stayed up late, doing Korean face masks, eating chips and watching the newest season of Queer Eye. They had both loved the episodes in Japan and were rewatching them, oohing and ahhing at all the different transformations. 

So, when she heard Chris screeching at her, shoving her phone into her face that morning, she was not exactly in the mood.

“Chris, stop,” Lara Jean groaned, pushing her away. 

She heard Lucas rustling next to her, rubbing his eyes and yawning. “What is happening?”

“I need you to look at this.” She very rarely heard Chris use that voice. She only saved that for when she was completely serious.

Lara Jean blinked a few times and sat up, looking at the phone. It was Gen’s Instagram and she was cuddling with some half-naked guy. The caption read: Time for Round 2. Lara Jean froze and looked at the picture again, this time more clearly. It was Peter. It was Peter and Gen, cuddled up next to each other, naked. Her breath hitched in her throat and she felt the tears bubbling up inside of her.

Chris showed Lucas who immediately gasped. They both wrapped their arms around Lara Jean as she cried, cursing his name.

“I knew he was an asshole. Fucking PK. God, he is trash and Gen is trash. They fucking deserve each other,” Chris said with venom, brushing the hair out of Lara Jean’s tear-stricken face.

Lucas grabbed the box of Kleenex off the night stand and handed it to Lara Jean. “Baby girl, he doesn’t deserve you. Clearly, he never did.” He sighed and looked away. “I’m honestly shocked. I know Kavinsky can be a dick sometimes but I honestly thought he was one of the good ones.”

This made Lara Jean sob harder and Chris glared at Lucas, motioning at Lara Jean, mouthing “Really?”. He looked embarrassed.

After another few minutes of crying, Lara Jean grabbed her phone and texted someone furiously.

“Are you texting him?” Chris asked cautiously.

Lara Jean just shook her head no and then she was up, furiously moving around the room, cramming her things into her tiny suitcase.

“I’m leaving.” She said decidedly.

Chris and Lucas looked at each other, at a loss for words.

“Honey, you know the bus leaves tomorrow, right?” Lucas said softly, approaching her carefully.

She was undressing and redressing in the bathroom, door half open. She had pulled on a pair of black sweatpants and a loose Adler High t-shirt, throwing her hair up into a bun. 

“John Ambrose is driving back today.” She said matter-of-factly. Her phone dinged and she looked at it, not quite smiling, but the tears fading slightly. “And, he’s giving me a ride.”

-*-*-*-*-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I've read my fair share of Covinsky fics and I'm kind of surprised no one ever twisted the Instagram plot point. Do I think Gen would be this evil and do this? Absolutely. Especially, book Gen. 16-year-olds can be so gosh darn vicious.


	10. The Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you're all still enjoying this! 
> 
> "Mad Girl's Love Song" belongs to Sylvia Plath - one of my favorite poems ever.

Who’s the one you think of night and day?  
Who do you love? Is it him or me?

\- “Who Do You Love?” by Monsta X

Chapter 10: The Storm

The ride was mostly silent. 

Lara Jean had gathered all her things rapidly, stumbling out of her room and the resort hurriedly. Lucas and Chris had both watched her, worried, but didn’t stop her. She stabbed at the elevator button, flashes of the last night coming back to her – Peter kissing her, running his hands up and down her back, pressing her against the back wall of the elevator. She shook her head and squeezed her eyes tight, refusing to cry again. 

No, she told herself. He’s not worth it.

She rushed through the automatic doors and saw John parked in one of the spots by the entrance. He waved at her and she nodded at him. She waited awkwardly by his car while he said goodbye to Dipti, kissing her, and promising to call her when he got back home. Dipti had approached her carefully, wrapping Lara Jean in a gentle hug. Clearly, she had heard. 

Everyone had heard. They all knew, Lara Jean thought bitterly. Gen had over 3000 followers on her Instagram. Everyone at school knew. Everyone in her life knew.

Lara Jean leaned into Dipti and sniffled.

“You will survive this, Lara Jean,” Dipti whispered and squeezed her shoulder. 

Lara Jean smiled weakly back at her before getting into the car. She was thankful that John didn’t force any conversation. He didn’t ask any questions. He didn’t pry. He just turned on the radio and drove. 

John liked to sing along to songs, Lara Jean realized. She never knew that about him. But, then again, she had never been in a 3-hour car ride alone with him before. She tapped her fingers against the ledge of the car window, nodding her head ever so slightly to the beat, as John sang. He had a beautiful voice. 

When she looked at him, he smiled and belted out the chorus. He tapped his hands along the steering wheel and bobbed his head. Of course, John knew all the words to Taylor Swift. 

A giggle escaped her and he looked over, surprised but also relieved. He smiled back and continued singing.

They drove for another hour, John belting out his favorite songs and Lara Jean singing along softly, her voice barely above a whisper. Around 10AM, she started getting texts from Peter.

9:58AM Peter: Covey, you up? I’m starving. Also hungover but mostly hungry.

10:00AM Missed call from Peter Kavinsky

10:01AM Missed call from Peter Kavinsky

10:02AM Peter: Lara Jean, please answer the phone. 

10:04AM Peter: Nothing happened. 

10:05AM Missed call from Peter Kavinsky

Her phone wouldn’t stop buzzing and she turned it on silent, not able to deal with the distraction anymore. She put her phone in her purse. John looked at her out of the corner of his eye, his expression concerned. 

“He’s an asshole, Lara Jean.”

It was the first time that she had ever heard John Ambrose swear. She looked up, surprised, and sighed heavily. “I’m just an idiot. A small part of me always knew that he would go back to her. It was my own fault for believing it was-“

She stopped herself, the tears coming back again. 

“It was what?” John asked softly.

“Real,” she whispered back, her voice cracking.

-*-*-*-

Peter was hungover. His head was pounding and whoever was banging on the door was not helping. He sat up slowly in his bed, groaning and yelling at the door that he was coming. He pushed the covers aside, noticing that Greg’s bed was empty and looked like it hadn’t been slept on at all. Weird. 

He made his way to the door and flung it open, his expression annoyed. It was Greg.

“Dude, took you long enough.” Greg muttered as he pushed his way into the room. He smirked as he flopped onto his bed. “Must have been a fun night?” 

Peter put his hand to the side of his head, it was pounding. Drinking that much last night was a mistake. He made his way back to his bed, pulling the covers over his lower body. He whipped out his phone, texting Lara Jean. She was probably already awake. Knowing her, she was probably snuggled up in front of the fireplace with some hot chocolate in hand, reading.

“-it’s a little shady that you’d do Largie dirty like that. I kinda liked her. She was a little shy and quiet but she’s nice-“

Peter looked up, suddenly realizing that Greg was still talking. His face was a mask of confusion. “What are you talking about?”

Greg raised an eyebrow. He pulled his phone out, pressed a few buttons and showed Peter the screen.

Peter snatched the phone from Greg’s hands. It was him and Gen, naked, in bed together. He scrolled to the left. There were a series of three images – each incriminating him in something that he had no memory of. His eyes widened and he dropped Greg’s phone onto the bed. He launched himself at his own phone and immediately dialed Lara Jean’s number. 

No response. It went to voicemail.

Her dulcet tones rang through his phone and he felt a pang in his heart. He tried her again.

No response. Voicemail.

He texted her frantically again and stared at his phone, willing for her to read the message, for her to respond. 

Greg was in front of him now. “Dude, what happened last night?” He sounded worried. “I saw you leave with Largie and I thought you just came back to the room to sleep.” 

Peter was unresponsive, still staring at his phone, texting and calling again. No answer.

“Nothing happened,” Peter said with confidence. “I would never sleep with Gen again.”

Greg raised an eyebrow. “I know she’s been flirting with you, man. She was practically throwing herself at you last night.”

“I wouldn’t do that,” he seethed. Right? He would never do that. He would never be like his dad.

Greg raised his hands up in defeat. “Yeah, okay.” He sat down on his bed and shrugged. “I lost my key so I ended up crashing in Gabe and Trevor’s room on the floor. So, I’m just saying that no one else was here in the room last night.”

“What’s your point?”

“I’m saying it doesn’t look good, PK. I’m just being honest.”

Peter glared at him and tried calling Lara Jean again. It went kept going unanswered and straight to voicemail. He got up and rifled through his suitcase, getting dressed quickly.

“I need to find Lara Jean.”

Greg nodded, asking cautiously. “What about Gen?”

Peter stilled. “I know she did this. I should’ve known that she would never want me to be happy and move on.”

Greg just looked at him quietly. They never really talked about their feelings with each other but he, like most of Peter’s lacrosse teammates, never liked Gen. The girl was scary.

“I thought she was better than this.”

-*-*-*-*-

Chris was nodding off, curled up next to Lucas while he watched morning cartoons, eating an apple. She jolted awake when she heard the constant knocking on the door. Whoever was on the other side wanted to get in. Now.

She hopped off the bed and opened the door, immediately moving to close it when she saw who it was.

“Chris – stop!” Peter was stronger so she couldn’t really stop him as he pushed the door open and stepped in. He looked around the room. “Where is she?”

“I don’t really think that’s any of your business,” Lucas said as he got off the bed. Chris moved next to him.

“I need to see her. Please,” his voice was tinged with desperation. He sighed, “I didn’t sleep with Gen. I know I didn’t.”

Chris opened her mouth, ready to let out a stream of obscenities when Lucas stopped her, holding his hand out in front of her.

“What do you remember?”

“Not much,” Peter answered honestly. “It’s all fragments. But, I remember Lara Jean putting me in bed and nothing else. Just the morning after that.”

Lucas was silent and motioned for Peter to sit on the bed. Lucas sat down across from him while Chris still stood, her arms crossed across her chest, rage on her face. 

“You can’t deny the pictures, Peter. How did Gen take them? How was she in your room then?”

“I don’t know,” Peter said quietly. He ran his head through his hair. “I would never do that to Lara Jean. I love her.”

Chris pursed her lips together and let out a bitter laugh. “Funny way of showing it, PK.” She looked at Lucas in disbelief. “Do you really believe this shit?”

Lucas was about to answer when Peter stood up suddenly, his eyes blazing. “I love Lara Jean and I would never hurt her like this.”

“Well, you still fucking did so congratulations!” Her voice was too loud, she knew. But, she couldn’t really control it.

Lucas pushed himself between them. “You both need to stop. Peter,” he looked at him intently. “You should go. I want to believe you, I really do, but even if you didn’t do this, you still hurt our girl. She’s absolutely devastated. Just give her some time. Find out what really happened.”

Peter nodded numbly and trudged out of the room. _You hurt her. She’s devastated._ The words rang through his mind.

He needed to find out the truth.

-*-*-*-*-

Lara Jean sighed in relief when she got home. She opened the door and breathed in the familiar scent of the house and immediately felt a bit more comforted. John had dropped her off at home, squeezing her shoulder as she exited the car.

“You know I’m here for you, right?” He had said it with such clear, gentle eyes. Lara Jean’s breath had hitched her throat. She wished that she had just kept on with her schoolgirl crush instead of falling for Peter Kavinsky. John Ambrose would never hurt her like this. 

She smiled softly and waved goodbye, saying her thanks. Lara Jean trudged up the stairs, seeing the light on in Margot’s room. Kitty must have left it on. She moved towards the room and pushed it open. 

Margot was home.

Lara Jean threw herself into her sister’s widespread arms, almost collapsing against her. 

“Gogo. You’re here,” she breathed. And, then the tears came and she couldn’t stop them.

Margot laughed and hugged her. When she realized that Lara Jean was crying, she furrowed her brow, worriedly asking what was wrong. Lara Jean just kept hugging her as Margot led them to her bed, sitting them down, Lara Jean’s head in her lap. Margot brushed the hair away from Lara Jean’s face, letting her cry.

-*-*-*-*-

Lara Jean didn’t know what time it was when she woke up in Margot’s bed. Her room was empty. She must have left to let Lara Jean sleep in peace. She pushed the blanket away and stood up, stretching. It felt good to stand. Her thoughts threatened to consume her and she pushed down the beating of her bruised heart, deciding to distract herself.

Her feet padded against the carpet as she walked across the room. Her sister had finally come home for winter break and the room felt right again. It had been so empty without her presence here. Her hand brushed against Margot’s clothes in the closet and she smiled at the tartan print skirt and fuzzy wool sweater. It seemed like she had brought back a little bit of Scotland with her home to Virginia.

Lara Jean moved from the closet to the desk and looked at the different books. Margot was definitely taking a history of the British Isles course based on the textbooks. Her hand paused over one book with a purple spine. 

_The Collected Poems of Sylvia Plath._

Lara Jean took it from the pile and flipped through it, settling back into Margot’s bed. It was so easy – to forget everything that was happening in her life and retreat into her books. 

And, so she read.

She could feel the light recede from the window when she found the poem. Her fingers touched the page gently and Lara Jean blinked back the tears that rose up within her again.

_I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed_  
_And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane._  
_(I think I made you up inside my head.)_

-*-*-*-*-


	11. The Oblivion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 3200+ hits?? Whaaaaaaaat?! Each and every one of your comments, kudos, and bookmarks means the world to me. Thanks for sticking with me - enjoy!
> 
> i love you much (beautiful darling) belongs to E.E. Cummings.

Let’s kill this love  
Before it kills you too

\- “Kill This Love” by Blackpink

Chapter 11: The Oblivion

Lara Jean was gone. She had left. As Lucas closed the room door on Peter, he told him that Lara Jean had left first thing this morning with John Ambrose.

She was gone. She had seemed to slip through his fingers so quickly and despite how much he tried, he couldn’t hold onto her tight enough. Was this what she meant when she had said that she knew Gen would tear them apart?

It seemed like she was right all along. Peter wandered the hallways, almost aimlessly. Somehow, he had made his way to the resort lobby and he flopped back against the comfy chair. He mindlessly scrolled to Lara Jean’s contact and pressed call.

No answer. Voicemail.

It was the same as before. She was ignoring him. He felt the frustration rise within him. He just wanted to explain himself but honestly, what would he even say? That he didn’t know what happened?

He sighed. He just wanted to know that she was okay and safe. He opened his messages app and typed the text and hit send.

_Did you make it home okay?_

It was such a simple question, as if everything that happened in the last 16 hours didn’t actually occur. 

-*-*-*-

Lara Jean was still in Margot’s bed reading when Margot stepped into the room, two warm mugs of tea in hand. She gave Lara Jean one as she sipped at hers, sitting down.

“I bought back tea from Scotland so this is the good stuff. There’s just something about the water there,” Margot murmured as she sipped. “It’s not quite the same here.”

Lara Jean wrapped her hands around the mug, appreciating the warmth emanating from it.

“You wanna talk about it?” Margot finally asked, after a few moments of silence.

Lara Jean took a long sip. Margot was right. This tea was really the good stuff. She shrugged. “There’s nothing to talk about it. I always knew it was going to happen.”

Margot looked at her intently. She paused, say hesitantly, “Kitty showed me the Instagram post today. I’m guessing it has something to do with that?”

Lara Jean just nodded numbly. And then the words tumbled out of her. She told Margot everything that she had missed in the last few months since their last conversation about her and Peter’s relationship. She told her about their professions of love to each other. It was the first time that she had said it to someone in a romantic way. When she got to the part with Gen, it was hard to find the right words. She always knew that Gen was a big part of Peter’s life and that she would always have some sort of hold on him that Lara Jean never really understood. She had tried to be okay with it but some part of her had always been scared that it would come to this.

“If he really did it, he doesn’t deserve you.” Margot said as she squeezed Lara Jean’s leg.

Her head snapped up, her brown eyes tinted with confusion. “What do you mean if he really did it?”

“I don’t know him that well but Kitty is convinced that he’s innocent.”

Lara Jean rolled her eyes. “She’s eleven and she worships him. Of course, she thinks that.”

“Okay,” Margot conceded and then took another sip of her tea. “Are you going to talk to him?”

Lara Jean snorted and looked at her sister in disbelief. “You think I should talk to him?”

“I’m just saying that it might be good for you to hear his side of the story.”

Lara Jean could feel the control slipping away from her as her voice rose. “I know exactly what happened. Everybody at school knows what happened. God, I can’t believe I just became one of those stupid girls that got sucked into Peter and Gen’s sick love story.” She put her mug down and wrapped both arms across herself. “It was never about me. It’s always been the two of them. I was an idiot to think that I could ever change that.”

“Lara Jean-“ Margot’s voice faltered. She didn’t know quite what to say. What could anyone say to that? 

Lara Jean blinked back the tears and steeled herself, her jaw ticking. 

“I think he really did love you,” Margot said softly.

“Don’t say that,” she responded quietly. “I just – I can’t hear that right now.”

Margot just nodded and hugged her. Lara Jean leaned into her and let a few tears slip through. They sat like that for a while, wrapped around each other until Lara Jean finally pulled back. 

“Tell me everything about Scotland, Gogo. I don’t want to think about him anymore.”

Margot smiled and pulled up the photo album on her phone, showing Lara Jean the pictures. 

“So, my flatmate has a car so a group of us took an extended weekend holiday and drove through the Highlands.” She flipped through the pictures. “We started at Glencoe and god, Lara Jean, you would’ve loved it. It’s exactly like it’s described in Macbeth.”

Macbeth. Peter. God, why did everything have to lead back to him?

Lara Jean forced a smile, urging her sister to continue. 

Margot flipped through a couple more pictures. “And then we went to go look for Nessie in Inverness. The waters there were so black. I’ve never seen water like that.” 

“It looks misty there.”

“It’s always misty and rainy. It’s all part of the ambiance. Oh! And then we went to Skye which was surreal. It looked like another planet there. I was half expecting to find Martians there but no Martians, just a lot of sheep.”

Lara Jean giggled and scrolled through the phone, half-listening to Margot and half-enamored with the beautiful scenery of Scotland. It was so good to have her back home.

As she listened to Margot’s description of her adventures, she didn’t think of Peter Kavinsky at all.

-*-*-*-*-

He really didn’t know what he was expecting when he stood in front of Gen and Emily’s hotel room, banging loudly. She flung the door open, a wicked smile on her face. He looked behind her and Emily was sitting on one of the beds, her eyes wide. Emily rushed around the room, grabbing her things, and then pushed past the two.

“I’ll give you guys some space,” she muttered as she left. She almost looked - guilty.

Peter still stood on the other side of the door, refusing to come in. “What the fuck, Gen?”

She curled a strand of her hair around her finger and looked at him, head cocked, smiling, “Is that any way to talk to the girl who shared your bed last night, Peter?”

He couldn’t help the anger that rose within him. “Nothing happened. I would never sleep with you again.”

Gen raised an eyebrow. “You were drunk. You do things you never thought you would do when you’re drunk.” She leaned in closer. “Do you remember what happened last night? Think hard. Think really hard.”

He faltered. It was a blank. He remembered having a few too many beers during flip cup, kissing Lara Jean in the elevator, and then he was in bed. He remembered the smell of Lara Jean’s coconut shampoo as she kissed his forehead. And, then it was nothing. It was all black.

“That’s what I thought.” She smirked. 

He shoved his hands into his pockets. “Gen, please. If you ever loved me at all, just tell me what happened last night.”

“I already told you, Peter,” she grinned and shrugged. “I knew you couldn’t stay away.”

He recoiled from her and immediately took a big step back from the door, refusing to believe it. No, he would never do that. Right? He wavered a bit with uncertainty.

Gen’s eyes narrowed in annoyance and she asked, with venom. “Did little miss prim and proper dump you?”

He didn’t recognize her anymore. He always knew that she had a vicious streak in her but at some point in time, he cared for her and she for him. What happened to them? How did they get to this point where all they did was hurt each other and those around them?

The anger bubbled up within him and he slammed his hand against the wall and walked away. 

“You know she’s never going to forgive you,” she called out after him. 

-*-*-*-

It was the next day when Lara Jean finally looked at her phone again. She stared at his text.

Peter: Did you make it home okay?

Should she respond? No. He didn’t deserve it. But, she couldn’t help but think of Margot and Kitty’s nagging voices. _At least hear him out._

She had managed to spend most of her day yesterday and today in her bedroom. Her dad had forced her to come out for dinner last night. She was actually shocked that they made it all the way to dessert before the questions finally burst from Kitty’s mouth.

Why was she home early from the ski trip? What was up with the Instagram post? What happened between her and Peter?

Lara Jean had tried to ignore her, taking another bite of the fruit salad. She looked desperately at her dad and Margot, willing them to change the subject. 

But Kitty was relentless.

Were they still dating? Peter would never do that. Did she talk to him yet? At least hear him out.

Finally, her dad stepped in and moved to clear the table. Lara Jean bolted out of her chair, rushing into the kitchen to rinse off her plate and putting it in the dishwasher. Then she ran upstairs and closed the door.

She had stayed in her room ever since. It was the next morning and she knew she should go downstairs and talk to her family. She couldn’t avoid them forever. But, she couldn’t deal with Kitty’s questions.

 _At least hear him out._ It rang through her mind.

Lara Jean sighed and typed in a response into her phone.

Lara Jean: Yes

Just one word. That was all. 

Everyone was coming home from the ski trip today and there would be no more hiding from it. She thanked the universe that there was at least another week of winter break so she didn’t have to deal with prying eyes and the endless, incessant questions from inquiring classmates. She could hide and have a little peace and quiet for at least a few days. 

Her phone buzzed in her hands almost instantly.

Peter: Can I please come over today? I need to see you and explain.

She sighed, her heart pounding in her chest. It was hard to breathe and she could feel the tears spring up. Should she talk to him?

Yes. But, not now. Not yet. She could barely get of bed much less sit through an entire conversation with the person that caused all this pain.

Lara Jean: Not today. Give me time.

It wasn’t a request. 

-*-*-*-*-

Lara Jean had lost track of the days. They all seemed to blend together. How many days was it now from the ski trip? She rubbed her eyes, feeling the rays of sunlight beaming down on her, filtering through her sheer curtains. She sat up on her bed and saw the texts from her friends. She looked at the date, surprised that time had passed so fast.

Chris and Lucas had texted the group chat, asking how she was. They both tried to FaceTime her yesterday. She must’ve already fallen asleep. 

She typed in a quick response and wishing them a very merry Christmas. Her fingers flicked across the phone screen and she took a deep breath before looking at her text thread with Peter.

He had called her once last night. Missed call. Voicemail. Then, he texted her, asking if he could come over today. Then another text wishing her a merry Christmas. She closed out of the messages and threw her phone on the bed. She couldn’t look at it anymore.

She got dressed quickly and skipped down the stairs, hearing Margot playing Christmas songs on the piano. Her dad and Kitty were making Christmas cookies in the kitchen. She joined them, smiling softly. She rolled out the dough, cutting them into trees, stars, and bells as Kitty and her dad decorated them. 

This was familiar. She lost herself in the feel of the dough against her skin, kneading, rolling. It was therapeutic.

Several hours later, while Kitty and her dad were over at Mrs. Rothschild’s, delivering her Christmas cookies, Lara Jean and Margot were sitting on the couch watching Love Actually at her insistence. It was one of her favorite Christmas movies and it was tradition to watch it every year. She got up to refill her and Margot’s water glasses. She was in the kitchen when she heard the knock on the door.

Margot got up and opened the door.

It was Peter.

“Hi,” he said quietly. He was holding a tin in his hands, bundled up in a black peacoat jacket. “Can I talk to-“ His gaze went from Margot to beyond her, at the kitchen, staring directly at Lara Jean.

She felt her breath hitch in her throat and she dropped the glasses, hearing them crash into the sink. He was so handsome standing there, his face etched with concern and hurt. She could see the snow falling behind him. It was like a scene out of a movie. The romantic gesture at the climax. She should go to him.

But, she couldn’t. Her feet wouldn’t move. She stared at him and then at Margot.

And, Margot knew. She sighed and turned to Peter, trying her best to comfort him. “Now’s not a good time, Peter.”

He wouldn’t stop looking at her and Lara Jean felt herself start to falter. All she wanted to do was run into his arms. 

“I just-“

“Merry Christmas, Peter.” Margot moved to close the door on him before he stopped her and handed her the tin and card. She smiled at him and eventually, he moved out of the way so she could close the door, his eyes focused on Lara Jean until he could see her no more.

Margot placed the tin in front of Lara Jean and rubbed her shoulder, looking at her carefully. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” she whispered, her voice hoarse. 

Lara Jean’s hands were shaking slightly as she opened the tin. It was fruitcake cookies. The corners of her mouth upturned slightly and she took one and bit into it. A bit dry but still tasty. She opened the card.

 _i love you much (most beautiful darling)_  
_more than anyone on the earth and i_  
_like you better than everything in the sky_

_Merry Christmas, Covey. I love you._

_Peter_

-*-*-*-*-


	12. The Possibility

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the kind words of support. It means so much and keeps me writing :)
> 
> The first section of this chapter was inspired by one of Noah's Instagram posts. He actually does write in the margins of the books and I think Peter would too.

It’s like I can hold you but I can’t  
You’re not easy, that’s why I want you more  
I can’t control my heart, it’s ridiculous  
Even when I’m looking at you  
I’m missing you

\- “As If It’s Your Last” by Blackpink

Chapter 12: The Possibility

Peter was on the bus when she finally texted him back.

_Yes._

She had finally responded. He felt the air rush back into his lungs as he sat up, pushing his body up against the window. He typed out his response, his fingers flying across the screen.

_Give me time._

She had texted back much faster this time but the answer wasn’t what he wanted. He looked at his phone forlornly and ran his fingers through his hair. He had to respect her wishes.

He wasn’t sure how he got himself home. He had grabbed his bag from the bus, walking right past Gen who tried to stop him to talk to him. He just ignored her, even as she screamed after him. His mom had welcomed him home, immediately sensing that something was off. 

He tried to nap but sleep never came. Instead, he got out his laptop and typed in a search. It took him about 30 seconds to find what he was looking for. Click. Purchase. Order Received.

Two days later, the book arrived at his doorstep. He ripped open the package in one fell swoop and ran his hands over the book. 

_100 Selected Poems by E.E. Cummings_

He threw himself back against his bed, reading, and writing his thoughts down every so often. He knew that Lara Jean would probably think it was a capital sin to write in a book but it came natural to him, scribbling his thoughts in the margins. He quickly understood why she liked this author so much. He was just the right combination of wistful, painful, and hopeful. 

So, he waited for her and read. And, even if it was stupid and he made it up inside his head, he felt just a little bit closer to her.

-*-*-*-

Lara Jean giggled as she watched Lucas slap Chris gently across the arm, clearly frustrated.

“Chris, that’s not how you play. Stop switching sides! You can only give clues for one team,” he whined. He pointed at the rules on the box. “See?”

“Well, this is what happens when you try to play a two-person game with three people.” Chris retorted before she looked at Lara Jean. “Four words. Shark.”

“What kind of clue was that?” Lucas demanded before he pushed her away. “We didn’t even discuss it!” He scooted away from her, his jeans rubbing against the carpet, “I’m not playing with you anymore.”

Chris rolled her eyes and Lara Jean looked at her collection of games, pondering if there was actually a safe game to pick where Chris and Lucas wouldn’t end up in a fight.

Chris looked pointedly at Lucas and nodded towards Lara Jean, signaling him. His eyes widened and he cleared his throat, starting to clean up the cards. 

“So, how you doing?”

She was expecting the question. She knew that was the whole reason why they insisted on coming over to play boardgames and gorge themselves on snacks the day before school started up again.

“It comes and goes,” Lara Jean replied softly, helping Lucas put away the game. She grabbed the Sushi Go box off the bookshelf and threw it on the ground. 

Chris started to take out the cards and shuffled them. She looked at Lucas again, nodding her head slightly. He was always better at this kind of stuff than she was. If she talked, she’d probably just start cursing.

“Have you talked to him?” Lucas asked.

Lara Jean shook her head, her hair flying into her face. She brushed the strands away. “He’s come over twice now trying to talk. He calls me every day and keeps texting me. I just keep telling him I need more time.”

“So, you’ve been responding?” Chris asked, fiddling with the cards. She started to pass them out.

“Not really, just once or twice,” Lara Jean shrugged. “It’s hard to just stop talking to him completely, you know?”

Chris didn’t know but she nodded anyway. She had never been in love with before.

Lucas grabbed Lara Jean’s hand and squeezed it. “He was kind of a mess when he found me and Chris the next day. He was just frantically looking for you.” He paused for a moment, debating his next words. “He said he didn’t sleep with Gen.”

Lara Jean felt the breath rush out of her lungs and she looked down. “I don’t really know what to believe. Do you think he did it?” 

“That boy is so stupidly in love with you that I don’t think any amount of alcohol would’ve pulled him away from you. Gen would do it in a heartbeat but I never thought Kavinsky would.”

Lara Jean bit her lip and looked at Chris. “And, what do you think?”

Chris’s eyes widened, put on the spot. “I don’t know, LJ. I think that my evil she demon cousin is capable of anything.” She fiddled with the cards in her hands. “And, Kavinsky? Well, I mean it doesn’t look great but I don’t know. That day, he just looked,” she paused, “broken.”

Lara Jean was quiet, processing this information.

“Are you going to talk to him tomorrow?”

Lucas’s question hung in the air, unanswered. It was their last day of winter vacation. Tomorrow she would have to return to school, sit in the same room with him during their classes, and pretend like nothing was the matter at all. 

She glanced out the window, briefly watching the birds flit to and from the tree next to her house. “I guess I kind of have to.”

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, LJ. We’ll protect you. If you don’t want to talk to him, you don’t have to.”

Lucas looked at Chris, exasperated. “Is that really productive?”

Chris gestured at Lara Jean. “She’s not ready to talk to him yet! And I don’t blame her.”

“You can’t hide from him forever.”

Lara Jean knew he was right but she couldn’t help but want to. It was her natural instinct to want to crawl into her cave, hide from the world, and avoid any and all confrontation. 

She had emailed Mrs. Duvall over the break, wishing her happy holidays and also politely asking to no longer be Peter’s tutor. Mrs. Duvall had written her back a day later letting her know that Lara Jean had to keep tutoring him until she could find a replacement.

So, she couldn’t hide from him forever. Tomorrow afternoon, he would be over at her house, sitting at her kitchen counter, reading and studying with her, being Peter Kavinsky. He’d probably smile at her, tease her, find excuses to touch her softly, graze his hands across hers, and she’d be lost.

She knew a part of her just wanted to give into him. Because as much as her heart hurt, she wanted so desperately to believe that he would choose her over Gen. She wanted to believe that Peter Kavinsky would never hurt her and never break her heart.

-*-*-*-

Gen had texted him non-stop throughout winter break and Peter half debated if he wanted to block her number. He had managed to successfully avoid her, however. He really didn’t understand what her master plan was because all she managed to do was drive him away further. 

His heart jumped up in his chest as he walked up the stairs into school, knowing that in less than 10 minutes, he would see Lara Jean. It had been over a week and a half since he had seen her, held her, touched her, talked to her. 

His body ached for her. He missed her touch, her scent, her voice, just her whole being. He moved towards his locker quickly unloading his backpack and pulling out his books and notebooks. When he shut his locker, he saw her. She was standing about forty feet away from him, flanked by Chris and Lucas. They were walking to their first class. He immediately moved to approach them when Lucas looked up and saw him. He shook his head – a warning.

Peter stopped and just stared after them.

-*-*-*-

Lara Jean had managed to successfully avoid Peter for two whole periods, ducking in and out of her classes, practically sprinting from one class to the other. He was in her next class, English Lit, however, and she didn’t have Lucas or Chris to protect her. So, she slid into her seat and ducked behind her book, pretending to be engrossed in the novel.

She felt him before she saw him. Almost as soon as he stepped in the room, she heard a hush fall over her classmates and she hated with every fiber of her being how she knew she and Peter were the center of everyone’s attention. She had always hated gossip and she hated being the topic of gossip even more. She refused to look up even as he sat in the seat in front of her. He turned his body towards her and she could feel his gaze pierce through her.

Still, she avoided him and pretended to read, the words on the page blurring in her vision.

“Hi Covey. Happy new year,” he said quietly. It was so gentle and soft – a voice that he reserved for her when they were cuddling on the couch, his arms wrapped around hers, kissing her on the forehead or when he grabbed her from behind while she was baking, rubbing his face into her neck. 

“Hi,” she responded, still not taking her eyes off the book.

He was silent for a few moments. “What’d you think of Rochester’s proposal?”

Her head snapped up and she looked at him, her expression a mixture of surprise and confusion. He actually read the assigned chapters. Of course, he did. She berated herself. She needed to give him more credit. 

“I thought he was a self-centered jerk and he clearly didn’t have Jane’s best interests in mind.”

Peter raised an eyebrow, clearly amused with her assessment. He gestured for her to go on, listening and hanging onto every word that passed from her lips.

She huffed and crossed her arms. “I mean, I can’t believe he hid the fact that he was already married from her. He was so selfish. How is that not something that you want to mention before you get engaged again?”

“Maybe he was just so in love with her that he wasn’t thinking clearly.”

She snorted derisively. “That doesn’t excuse anything.”

“He thought by not telling her, he was protecting her.”

Lara Jean’s eyes narrowed and suddenly, she didn’t think they were talking about Edward Rochester and Jane Eyre at all.

Before she could open her mouth to respond, the teacher walked into the classroom and the class started. Peter still had his back turned towards the front though and he stared at her, as if memorizing every line on her face.

“We’ll continue this discussion later,” she whispered at him.

He looked at her, surprised, and his eyes seem to brighten. His whole posture changed. “So, you’re still tutoring me later?”

“Yes,” she nodded towards the teacher and he turned back around, the smile never leaving his face.

-*-*-*-*-

The whispering was getting to her. Everywhere she walked and turned, she saw people staring and talking about her in hushed voices. Some people looked sympathetic while others sneered at her, as if enjoying the pain and humiliation they knew one Instagram post would bring.

Lara Jean grabbed her lunch bag from her locker and closed the door shut, probably a little harder than was necessary. She stormed out of the hallway and went directly for the bleachers, hiding herself underneath. They couldn’t get to her here.

She turned on Spotify and picked the This is Taylor Swift playlist and put her ear buds in. They couldn’t bother her now. She bopped her head to the music and took a bite of a baby carrot, flipping to the next chapter of her romance novel. She had barely started reading when she noticed that someone had sat down next to her. 

Emily Nussbaum.

Lara Jean removed her ear buds and looked at her, confused but curious. “Hi Emily.” 

They had never really spoken to each other before despite the fact that they’ve been going to the same school for the last three years. Emily was very firmly within the popular crowd and had taken up the mantle as Gen’s best friend forever. They had always been nice enough to each other but definitely not friendly enough for her to join for lunch.

“Hi Lara Jean,” she smiled weakly at her.

Lara Jean offered her a snickerdoodle cookie. She didn’t really know what else to do.

Emily took it and nibbled at it. “I’m not really supposed to be having carbs. Gen wanted to try this new diet so-“ she trailed off.

Lara Jean nodded at her and took a big bite of her cookie.

“Lara Jean,” she was looking at her so intently now. “I’ve always liked you. You always seemed really nice, maybe a little quiet and boring but-“

Lara Jean frowned. What was the point of this conversation? 

“I’m getting off-track,” Emily faltered and looked back down at the ground. “Just don’t believe everything you see on Instagram.”

This made Lara Jean frown deeper. She looked at Emily, utterly confused. “What do you mean?”

Emily stood back up and brushed the dirt from her jeans. She didn’t answer her question. “You and Kavinsky are cute.” 

She didn’t say anything further. She just smiled at her and walked away.

Lara Jean looked after her, her mouth slightly agape, not really knowing how to process that interaction. 

-*-*-*-*-


	13. The Reprieve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the long hiatus but I’m back! I had to take a break and also really rethink where I wanted to take this story. Hope this was worth the wait and you all enjoy!

_Shadows of the past keep on chasing me_  
_But the more I try to escape and struggle, the more it follows_  
_But I still want to hold onto it, wherever you are I’ll find you_  
_To a tomorrow of us_

_“Your Eyes Tell” by BTS_

**Chapter 13: The Reprieve**

Lara Jean was still processing Emily’s words when she entered her next class period, a look of dazed confusion plastered on her face. Lucas eyed her carefully as he watched her sit down in her assigned seat. She got out her notebook, pens, and textbook and stared off into the corner of the classroom, lost in her thoughts.

Lucas snapped his fingers in front of her face, drawing her back into the present. “You okay, LJ? You went somewhere just now.”

She cocked her head to the side and blinked a few times. “I had the weirdest conversation with Emily Nussbaum.”

Lucas raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t know y’all were friends.”

“We’re not. She literally hasn’t spoken a single word to me for the entire time that I’ve known her.” Lara Jean fiddled with a corner of her notebook and bit her lower lip. “She said something really weird.”

“What?”

“She told me not to believe everything I see on Instagram.” She paused, taking in Lucas’s gasp. “And, she said me and Peter were cute together.”

“She definitely knows something,” Lucas says, leaning forward conspiratorially. “Gen’s hiding something. I knew it.” He placed his hand on Lara Jean’s gently. “What are you going to do?”

Lara Jean sighed and pushed the hair back from her face. “I don’t know.”

-*-*-*-*-*-

The school day passed by entirely too quickly and before she knew it, she was back home with her books sprawled over the kitchen counter, waiting for Peter to show up. She knew he had lacrosse practice today so he probably wouldn’t be over until later. She moved around the kitchen, making herself a cup of peppermint tea.

She sat on the counter, sipping slowly at the tea, trying her best to look through her notes but she couldn’t focus at all. She was just a bundle of nerves -- raw and exposed. 

What did Emily mean? _Don’t believe everything you see on Instagram. You and Kavinsky are cute._ What does it mean?

She knew that Emily and Gen were best friends. Was she trying to insinuate something about Gen, about the Instagram post? 

She didn’t know anymore. She let out a sigh and looked down at her watch. She had about another hour or so before Peter would arrive. 

So, she did what she always did to make herself feel better -- she baked. 

Her movements were familiar -- mixing the dry ingredients, creaming the butter, and beating the eggs and vanilla until they were fluffy. It was therapeutic and she lost herself in her movements, trying her best to silence her wandering thoughts.

Thinking was painful. It hurt. 

She was taking the cookies out of the oven and placing them on the cooling rack when she heard the knock on the door. She frowned and looked at the clock on the oven. It’s too early for Peter to be here. His practice must have just ended so she wasn’t expecting him for at least another 20 minutes. She wondered who it could be.

She wiped her hands down on her apron and moved to answer the door.

It was, in fact, Peter.

She breathed in sharply and the air whooshed through her lungs quickly. She gripped the door tightly and forced herself to hold a neutral expression. She could do this.

“You’re early.”

“I ran off the field and then I sped here.”

She raised an eyebrow at this. “That doesn’t seem safe. There’s ice on the roads.”

“I don’t care,” he said honestly. His brown eyes stared into hers, like he was memorizing every aspect of her face now that he was finally given this opportunity. “I just wanted to get to you.”

Lara Jean looked down and cleared her throat uncomfortably. “Come in. It’s cold out and I made cookies.”

He followed her eagerly and plopped himself down on the bar stool. He got out his books and papers and started shuffling them around. 

“Lara Jean, nothing happened between me and Gen.”

She was silent and she simply stared out the window, watching as the snow slowly started to melt from the pane. 

He seemed to take this as permission to continue.

“I shouldn’t have been drinking that much. It was stupid. I remember you walked me to my hotel room and then you tucked me into bed and that’s it.” He moved a little closer to her and she immediately scooched away. He let out a pained sigh.

“That’s it,” he repeated. “I know I didn’t sleep with her. I would never do that. My dad cheated. Do you really think that I would do that to you? I love you so much. I could never hurt you like that. You have to believe me.” His voice was tinged with desperation and longing and it only served to shatter her heart a little bit more.

She thought back to what Emily said. _Don’t believe everything you see on Instagram._ It echoed through her head. She wanted to give in. She wanted so badly to just wrap herself in him, feeling his warmth against her and hearing the sound of his heartbeat.

The sinking feeling in her stomach stopped her. She couldn’t. At the end of the day, her trust in him was broken and she couldn’t go back to being his girlfriend and just pretending that it was all okay. 

“Okay,” she said softly.

“Okay?” He asked. He moved closer to her again, this time slower so that she could see what he was doing. She didn’t budge. He set his hand on the counter next to hers and waited for her to initiate contact. 

She didn’t.

“I feel like you’re punishing me for something I didn’t do,” he admitted honestly. 

Was she? Maybe she was? All she knew was that she had spent so many endless days and hours crying in heartbreak and she didn’t even know if he was truly the cause of it. Maybe he wasn’t to blame at all. Maybe he was telling the truth.

Maybe this was all Gen. Could she believe him? Gen had been plotting to doom her and Peter’s relationship from the beginning.

She shouldn’t let Gen win. 

Peter seemed to sense her conflict and touched her pinkie with his. It seemed to jolt her out of her thoughts and she sat up straight, her back stiffening at his touch. 

“I’m not punishing you, Peter. I just-” she faltered. “I want to believe you but you were basically blacked out drunk. You don’t remember what actually happened because you were drunk. I know that maybe sober you would never do that but maybe you missed sex-”

“Lara Jean, no, I don’t-” he interrupted her and grabbed her hand, forcing her to stay still and not pull away. “I don’t miss sex. I don’t care about that. With you, it’s so different. Just being next to you and with you, I get this high and I feel like I’m invincible and I can take on anything. You believe in me. You make me better. It’s not about sex and all that physical stuff. It goes way beyond that with us. I just want to be with you.” He paused and tipped her chin up so he was looking directly into her eyes. “Just let me be with you, Covey. That’s all I want.”

Her chin trembled and she felt her rebuttal die in her throat. 

She felt like he was staring through her, his gaze piercing. He moved even closer, his face inches away from hers. She knew what he was doing and what he wanted.

She couldn’t fight it anymore so she gave in. She tilted her head up towards him and it was all the acquiescence that he needed. He kissed her gently, not wanting to scare her away. His lips were firm against hers and she melted against him, missing his touch. 

His arms came up around her waist and he pulled her closer, relishing in the fact that he was kissing her again. She was letting him in. He felt like the luckiest man in the world. 

She sighed into his mouth and he massaged her tongue with his, just loving the simplicity of this.

They could fix this, he knew it. He refused to give up on her.

-*-*-*-*-

Later, when they finally pulled away from each other, he rubbed small circles into her back as she explained the next few chapters of Jane Eyre.

“So Mr. Mason interrupts Jane and Mr. Rochester’s wedding before it can happen because Mr. Rochester is already married. He wants her to move to France with him where they can live as husband and wife but she refuses and runs away,” Lara Jean explained. The plot was starting to resemble her life and she briefly wondered if it was ironic that she was starting to relate to a gothic novel’s heroine.

“I don’t get why she runs away. She leaves her life, job and home.”

“He lied to her,” she responded. “He completely broke their trust. She couldn’t possibly stay after that.”

He’s silent and unresponsive as he took in these words. “So she would rather be homeless and starving?”

“Yes, this book was written in the Victorian era, Peter. It’s definitely going to preach Christian morals. She would rather suffer than live a falsehood with the man that also lied to her.”

Peter glanced at her and watched her carefully. “Do you agree with her?”

“It doesn’t matter if I agree with her,” Lara Jean answered carefully.

“So you do?”

She sighed and pushed the plate of cookies towards him. “You should eat some.” She hopped off the stool and started to gather up their mutual papers and notes. “I think that’s enough for today. You have a good start to your essay. I think you’ll do really well.”

He flinched at her passive tone. “Are we okay, Covey?”

“We’re fine,” she said immediately. A lie.

“Lara Jean-”

She looked like she was about to stop him when they were interrupted by her dad and Kitty entering through the front door, groceries in hand.

Kitty’s face immediately lit up with joy and she ran towards Peter, giving him a big hug.

“You’re back!”

Peter laughed loudly, his eyes crinkling up and his expression was one of pure happiness. Lara Jean watched them with jealousy. She missed the way Peter looked when he was happy. He really was so handsome and charming. He lifted Kitty up briefly, returning her hug, before he set her back down.

“Peter Kavinsky,” her dad said in surprise. He gave Lara Jean a curious look. “So you’re studying together again?”

“Yup, for school,” Lara Jean responded shortly. She touched her temple. “I have a bit of a headache so I’m going to go to my room.”

She shuffled up the stairs before anyone could stop her. Peter stared after her helplessly and let out a sigh.

“I know you didn’t cheat, Peter,” Kitty said matter-of-factly. 

Her dad moved around in the background, humming so he wouldn’t overhear the conversation.

“You have to convince her for me.” 

Kitty winked at him. “I’m already on it.”

Dan looked towards them and waved a head of cauliflower around. “You staying for dinner, Peter? I’m making Thai green curry.”

“My mom’s expecting me so I can’t but thanks for the offer,” Peter said apologetically. He started to move towards the door. 

“I’ll see you around soon, Peter?” Dan asked, giving him a small smile.

“Yeah, see you soon,” Peter replied. 

Kitty walked him to the door and he turned before he got to it, looking up the stairwell. He hesitated for a moment. She placed a comforting hand on his forearm.

“She’s going to forgive you.”

He raised an eyebrow at her and smiled once again. “I hope so.”

-*-*-*-


End file.
